Depression strikes back with VENGEANCE!

Hi everyone its been a long time since I did a blog and I feel like I’m a rookie writing this here and now. So if you have followed my blogs throughout the years I have given you an insight into not just my life but also clinically what mental Illness is and various diagnosis’. It is coming up to the 1st Year Anniversary since I ended my 8 Year therapy journey and I can tell you this as been the most challenging of them all.

I thought once I was able to get on top I’d be strong enough to stay on top and also fight and win over the demons within my head, now I’m not one of the believers in once your dealt the “OKAY” title in regards to your mental health, that you are that or are now magically cured.

As I personally don’t believe in cures at all, but that’s a separate issue. I did though think that once I was able to get on top that I’d be strong enough like I have said but what I mean by that is that I won’t be making attempts (I’m sure you all know what I’m referring to) but I have made countless attempts and recently its been the toughest its ever been.

Now I’ve got the knowledge of how to fend off this somewhat it makes it that much harder. Being deluded and thinking things is one thing but being “OKAY” and still wanting to end the pain is quiet another.

To my judgement I learnt that the two things are like chalk and cheese, the depression I’m dealing with now is so intense it consumes my every step, I’m also at a point where, where I live which is the UK and my recent therapy journey, it’s almost impossible for me to get the correct help without waiting another 15 years or 250 years or maybe I’ll get the offer 850 years after my death.

As you can see I’m bitter about that. It seems to me that as I am now termed “OKAY” my attempts have become so more satanic, shocking to me because when I was diagnosed as “Insane” my attempts were nothing in comparison.

I will give you a brief example – Insane; I wanted to lay on train tracks and let the train cut me in half (instant death) – OKAY; I have researched how to stab yourself in the heart, how to suffocate yourself, how to cut your limbs in such a way that death is quick and recently I attempted a method that my entire life I have hated which is hanging, all my research about how to hang yourself was spot on and the only reason it failed is because once it was working, your body goes into spasms and during that I broke the belt.

Yes I tried to use my belt, I will not speak about or try to encourage attempts but what I researched was spot on regarding that. My partner is seeing the signs of my illness coming back, which frightens me because that’s the last thing on earth I’d ever want back. Even though its “Home”.

This is more than just a state of mind kinda thing, its a cognitive thing which is the misunderstanding people tend to have. I’m at college, I’m trying to move onwards yet I’m being dragged back to HELL, a place I left a few years ago. Its all within my own mind, I am glad I don’t believe in any gods and I’m also glad that I never believed in CURES because there is’t any for anything. I never ever want to promote things which I feel are bad, but the only cure for our mental anguish is one act.

Some say its a selfish act, I disagree. Here is an analogy; I will use animals rather than my preferred method, If you walked past a dog and its biting its own fur off and biting every part of its body and in chronic pain (Physical or Mental) and there is literally nothing you can do for it, you can’t shelter it, you can’t feed it, your can’t take 1 second of pain away.

Is it more humanine to carry on walking leaving it to the elements and suffer OR is it more humaine to out that animal out of its pain? (Now if you know me you will know I’m a firm believer in animals have more rights than humans.) So which is more humanie? the answer is clear, YET with us whom suffer with mental illness we are looked at differently?

Why is it more humaine to let us suffer? is it because you can’t see it? until its too late. Is it because we think “oh they’ll snao out of it” OR “they just want attention” OR “You know what they are actually struggling, lets help them”; Sadly the latter is so far away from relaity the first 2 examples are more REALISTIC.

As I write this blog I’m unsure to how I feel and where my mind is, all I do know is as each passing minute goes by, Its more harder to breath and blink, yes they may sound funny but to someone in my position they will understand the struggle it is to do them 2 things. I would like to end the blog here, it feels more of a rant than my normal work on here but at the moment I’m struggling and I don’t know anything right now. I’m just feeling it and its bloody painful.

Thank You for anyone who took time to read my blog here today. P.s Still colourful paragraghs, thats my mark I guess..



Moving on from illness (College 2nd term.)

Todays blog is rather an uplifting one for myself to write, as the title says ‘Moving on from illness’.  Its literally that, after losing my diagnosis earlier this year and completing therapy and finishing an 8 year therapy journey. I am now about to fully move on from this chapter or series of chapters in my life.

So these past couple of weeks I’ve began my 2nd college term year, I joined college earlier this year in January on a ‘On and Off’ course where you can join anytime during the college year and you finish at your own pace. This 2nd term I have started from the start of the term year which is September.

I’m currently attempting to my GCSE’s in both Maths & English to grade equivalent to a ‘C’ once I have achieved this I will then be able to apply to go to full time college where my goals are to get 5 A* grades in Maths, English Language, Physics, Sociology, Psychology.

I will need 4 of these to be A* or better English is the only one where I will need minimum B+, so I could get into University with a B+ but the others I will need A*’s. This is the journey I have undertaken at my own will because I want to become a Psychologist working with fellow humans who have walked a similar path to myself, this field I am an expert in, I have lived it my entire life, living something VS learning it through a textbook, there is a world of difference between the two.

I want both, I have already got the real life experience and now I want the text book experience too so that will make me an all rounder Psychologist, leaving no stone unturned. I know the task before me is almost impossible to achieve but I am not allowing that to determine my life, I have beaten my worst part of my mental illness, I not only beat it, I walked through it, I faced it and I overcame it. I have said like religiously ‘There is nothing on this earth that can stop me, if I can beat my mental illness nothing is impossible, because beating that was IMPOSSIBLE and I did it’.

I’m not saying I’m perfect in la la land I’m far from that but what I am and where I am now is a much more healthier and safer place and I know what I can do, the voices in my head, I now know what I can do and them voices are just that voices. I have the power to overcome them and silent them and that struggle I still fight every single day.

I accepted that most likely I will always have this self criticism and it just takes me to overcome that by doing and just doing and not listening to that part inside me that tells me I CAN’T because I CAN.

College is giving me a good balance and structure to my life it is helping me in other ways than just my education. It is hard though I will tell you that its bloody difficult. Every time its time to go, I stand at the door, eyes closed breathing deep and just batting away them voices and feelings of fear etc, I just close my eyes and count to ten and take one big deep breath and walk through the door and lock it and close my eyes again and breath and walk.

Its a ritual that seems to help and work for me, give it a try if you feel similar to what I do when I’m about to leave the house. A piece of advice for anyone reading my blog today is to, try your very best to focus on what YOU want to do in life. Even if your struggling like mad, just ask yourself what do I want to do, what are you passionate about? What drives you? If you come up with something then say to yourself okay one day I will achieve this, in the next xxx amount of years I will become this.

I will beat this, I will get out of this. Try these things and work your butt off trying to make it, the feelings you will get from this are indescribable but they are real and worth it.

Thank you for reading this short blog today. Feel free to leave feedback or comments. 

MBT Finale & Ending an 8 year journey of Therapy.

This is my first personal blog in a long time, I did BPD blogs in MAY. In May its Borderline Personality Disorder & I did a blog everyday in the month of may to highlight awareness. Them blogs were more of an information based blog in majority of them anyway. Todays blog will be directly from a personal perspective, I just like to make the blogs clear from the start which 2 types they will be. Either an information type blog or a personal interactive type, which is what this one today is. 

MBT (Mentalization Based Therapy)

MBT as been the greatest therapy I have ever had, I have had CBT, DBT and now MBT. MBT is a group based therapy and it does work for some and not others, I do dislike saying that phrase but its very true. I was in a 13 month program that took place every single week excluding holidays.

I made a promise to myself to attend every single week and I DID, I was the only one who attended every single week out of all us clients and therapists. It is a rotating group so every 3/4 months some would end their journey and some new people would join. Its also recorded via a camera, that’s scary at first but after the first few sessions you don’t even notice it.

The rotation of the group that I really had an issue with but after a long time of that struggle, I understood why its done that way and the benefits of it. It really does help with endings and beginnings and meeting new people ETC, Endings will be a big topic later in this blog as I have serious difficulties with endings.

So the basis of MBT is, simply put it cuts through all the B.S, If you have been in Mental Health services before you are aware of how we might start to describe things in a round a bout way, MBT does NOT allow this, the therapists will cut you short and focus on what it is that is really underneath rather than treat the branch they go straight to the root of the tree.

Its very VERY difficult to maintain yourself in a calm way during this therapy. I have seen so many people in therapy and all kinds of people, and each one as had that moment where MBT as got to you. in a Good way but it doesn’t feel good, but later on you learn it was perhaps great for yourself. Its a solid 13 month program here in the UK, each and every week excluding holidays.

It weighs on you but its also such a great comfort to you that you know you have a ‘Safe Space’ to bring in your troubles. I was told I did fantastic and I achieved a lot, where I’m at the group I started with the clinic had only had 2 ongoing other groups of MBT and mine was the 3rd and I was told I took MBT on fully and I had achieved something remarkable and I’m the only one to not only do that fully but also to attend every single week.

What they meant by that above sentence is that I showed and understood MBT and I was able to put it into practice. When I ended therapy I met my therapist for one of the follow up one to one appointments, where he told me that I had lost my diagnosis and my level being 0, when I started at my clinic I was level 8-9 which in words was extreme.

I was so lost and ill that I was the highest level and after 4 years there and 13 months of MBT I not only lost my diagnosis but I’m at level 0 which even ‘Normal’ people who have never had therapy hover around level 1. Being level 0 shows that I’m at an understanding level where things would not escalate as quick as a quote normal person. Its quiet astonishing to me, now this is what I have been told by the people who know me best.

Within the groups its natural you have a group leader or a rock within the group, I was more than happy to speak freely about my connections with others in the room and what they did for me, I had a rock I could lean on in the original group, then after rotation I then became a rock for some old friends I had met earlier in that clinic.

They openly told me that I’m a rock for them in the group which made me feel loved. Now this leader/Rock thing isn’t directly picked up its rather a feeling you feel and then if anyone brings it up its then in the atmosphere, but its not on an agenda within MBT. It just happens naturally, I had 2 very close rocks within the latter groups, the closest person I got connected to, Her ending hit me hard, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The week after her ending I was ready to quit I couldn’t handle it, one person in the group mistaken my emotions by blurting out, I think you love her, to my annoyance and anger I put them straight that NO I didn’t love her in a sexual sense, even though she was very pretty, I loved her in a mother sense.

Mothers was a GIANT topic of trauma in the group, I had a connection to her in the mother way and for that to be mistaken for something else, shows the risk in therapy but also helps you to identify what your emotion is and sit and think and really control your emotions, rather than just exploding.

So that example is a good example of how the group can be sometimes toxic but if you handle your emotions well enough your able to learn how to and use the MBT tools there and then. By doing it once in group therapy your then more open to doing outside in your real life.

The 2 therapists I became very attached to them, in my ending I did something that they both said is extremely rare, I gave them both gifts and a card to mark my appreciation for everything they did for me, they were two of the greatest therapists I have ever met, they helped me more than I could ever explain.

On September 26th this year is my Finale with my therapist. The final one to one and the ending, I have gifts again, I am so attached to them that saying Goodbye will be heart breaking for me. I said in therapy that MBT group as been a Family to me, somewhere where I felt loved and understood and felt like I had a support network.

None of that is real with my biological family, so the ending for me is again like my life saying Goodbye to people I genially love and care for. The C word – Care- was a very toxic word in my groups of MBT, Specially with me, so for me to use that word shows the level of what MBT did for me and the people I met.

I met some fantastic humans and yes I have met some that are not worth being called Humans, but my experiences are and were both brilliant and horrific.

Therapy saved my life, it truly did save me from the pits of hell. I am truly thankful of the Therapy services I have been given, I will dedicate my life to getting into that field, becoming a Psychologist, the dream would be to see people with BPD as I know it, I lived it, I tasted it and I understand it.

Therapy is what you make it, I made a vow to myself not to end it on a negative note, but the vow I made to myself starting MBT was, if I don’t give it 100% truly I would live in another life with nothing but guilt on my departure from this life.

I could not take my own life without giving this every single drop of fight in me, I couldn’t take my life knowing there was a chance I could of stopped it. That is what drove me every single week to attend, I have to give it 100% my life depends on it.

I would like to Thank anyone who have taken the time to read my blog today.

Please feel free to leave any comments or feedback on here or on the Facebook and Twitter accounts they are linked too.

Once again Thank You, See you in the next blog

R.I.P Chester Bennington (My open letter to him)

To Chester 

On July 20th 2017 at around 6pm my time, I got the news that you had taken your own life in the early hours of Thursday morning. I never thought I’d ever be writing this, I seen you as a tower of strength.

Knowing your struggles that you made public from sexual abuse to depression and everything in between, I held you very close to myself  because you had a very difficult time in your childhood and through adulthood, you remained strong and turned to music and what you created was just amazing.

Your soul was healing us all with your beautiful words your wrote and spoke. Each lyric was a heartfelt message to us all about not only your struggles but the struggles we all face and some only a few of us face. I had you in my life since I was 11 years old, almost being 29, you have been attached to me for the majority of my life.

All through pre-teens and young adulthood and man hood. The song that you touched me most with was ‘NUMB’ that is my all time favourite song of yours and your lyrics spoke to me, they touched me. I am numb right now as I write this open letter to you.

Chester your was more than just an idol to me, I loved you in every sense of that word, I always turned to your music in times of need, I felt so connected to you through your music, when I needed to cry I felt you was there, when I needed to scream your songs were there, when I just wanted to listen to your amazing voice, you was there. I honestly do not know if I could ever listen to your music again after we all lost you. It hurts too much, I listened to your lyrics deeply and I understood you was suffering just through your songs.

I never met you and you never knew I existed but trust me Chester that’s not important because I knew you and I love and loved you. I only wish we as fans had some grasp on how things were really getting to you, the loss of one of your best friends hit you hard. The loss you felt its real and I’m sorry for your loss. I will if ‘m ever lucky enough to have another child and its a boy I’m more than proud to say his name will be Chester.

Chester or Chaz as you’d like to be called, I will always love you and respect you and what you gave me is more precious than anyone could imagine. I hope you are finally at peace and your soul is finally able to rest safely.

I hope your wife and children are able to celebrate your life, because you was an amazing man with a pure heart of gold.

I love you Chester and I will forever miss you. Rest In Piece Chester X

BPD Awareness Month (Unstable Relationships) -May 2017-


Today is the Final Topic of The BPD Awareness Month (Very Detailed) (May Every year is Borderline Personality Awareness Month 1-31 May) Todays Finale Topic is ‘Unstable Relationships’ Which includes all aspects of Relationships, From Friendships to Sexual Relationships to Parental Relationships to Family Relationships & Everything in between. Has this is the Finale Topic of the Month, ill be giving you a detailed perspective of my life has it relates to Relationships also their will be detailed Clinical Information too. Has I do term this Topic has the King Of Kings of all the topics I’ve spoken about during the awareness month, this is my opinion is the ultimate problem has it relates to BPD, in my opinion there is No other issue that damages our life’s has much has this topic in my opinion. So ill begin with myself I’m not going to be doing this in any particular order, I tend to go from what’s been the most prevalent in my life & work it that way through the List.


Relationships for me are quiet difficult to be honest in one sense that I always feel alone even in a crowd of people, I feel like I’m the one with 2 heads or I’m the black sheep out the group which sets up so much paranoia in my mind that I’m battling behind the curtain, while I’m trying to keep normal & look like I’m engaged with the conversation, I’m actually mentally somewhere else which is quiet annoying to be honest because then I’m wrapped up in all that bullshit, when I should be wrapped up in the moment with the people & the conversation has it develops but instead I’m just on the surface like, yeah that’s cool, awesome and inside I’m like you fucking idiot, to myself. That’s a very small almost insignificant problem when its compared to the bigger issues down the line, but this little, tiny thing is the start of what’s to come, because although I term this insignificant, clearly in reality it isn’t, but in my mind its something I disregard entirely, only now am I giving it any attention while I’m writing this, that’s how little I think of this has a problem, which is a bad or a good or a Nothing thing, I don’t know what the correct term would be, but that’s how I gage it.


Now moving on upwards relationships for me I wasn’t aware until I started my treatment in the 1st year of this current system I’m in which I’m now on my 3rd and final year of this treatment, relationships I was not aware it was a trigger word for me, Now if the very word is a trigger, how the hell would the actual thing take place in my life, a key word there Hell, it was/is pretty much that when it comes to relationships, Over many years I’ve destroyed relationships with my old ways & my old actions, leaving people to just walk away in the end because I was too much to deal with, Not understanding my own mind was what lead to these relationships breaking down and a result in these people leaving my life.


Now recently I’ve worked my arse off to rebuild 2 relationships that I fucked up, only because through the treatment I’ve been going through alone with the only support from a handful of people, I’ve worked and worked hard to get to grips of myself and therefore my ways, I’m now at a point in my life where I’m able to have positive relationships, only because I’ve gone through the hell and hard work, all on my own, also I’m able to cut out negative people who 1 specifically ill cover later on, But now I’m able to work and have positive relations. Relationships has it relates to being a parent is something I still have not been able to fix correctly, although my child is still small, and my child is unaware of any of my issues, so there is very little damage that has been done on her end, but for me its something I’m yet to fix I do not know how or why what’s in my mind is the reality, Because since me and my child’s mother split, something happened to me regarding my relationship with my child, after the split I lost all my confidence in being a dad, I lost it all, everything inside me that was making me okay has a parent had gone overnight and has never come back, to this day I’m clawing to get back just 0.1% of the confidence I once had, I’m not sure what happened to me, I do not think it was because of the split I don’t think it was because of that, because now me and my child’s mother our relationship is friendly we are actually friends now, Now few years back Well. You can imagine I think.


But now id say this is my perspective our relationship strictly has parents to our child, our relationship is the best its ever been, including years of our best years, now in my opinion its the best it ever been and even now when I see my child even with the mother of our child I still lack confidence like before I was the head of household lets say, the top of the tree, now in my child presence I feel so small and not in a position of the head of the household, I’m not sure if this is coming out has I’m meaning it too, But there is something missing inside of me confidence wise with my child, which for me has partly destroyed our relationship, because it has lead me down some scary mental health problem roads, I do admit I’ve got issues going on which I’ve not spoken about before only to the pro’s and to my child’s mother, But this is a damaging thing in our relationship because this black spot I call it, is causing problems. But in the sense of me and my child we are happy has pigs in sugar :), when we are together and we have nothing but good times and my child enjoys being around me which I often find hard to cope with, the innocence of a child and the love and warmth they give, sometimes is too much to handle for me anyway. Because its true love and children are so blunt with their words but so honest too.


But that affects me too but that’s not relationship wise that’s something else. Relationships with my family is something of sadness, its way too much to even speak on really in this blog if I did, it would be around 50,000 words, reason I say that is because on this website it counts how many words you write. So ill speak on the 1 problem within my life has it relates to Relationships and Family, is my father who has been for the most part the most destructive person I’ve ever come across in my entire life, Now to the outside world he is a great guy, he’s an honourable guy, well respected guy, but behind closed doors, I’ve said this phrase in my treatment process and ill say it now, That man my father makes Adolf Hitler look like a Choir Boy. This blog is NOT the write space to speak on everything but I can give you bullet points to help make it clear of what a Monster this Man was/is/forever will be.


It really didn’t kick in the abuse until my parents divorce and after my mother left the home, a year leading up to her leaving the home, me and my mother was NOT ALLOWED to talk to each other, if we did, he would come up the stairs banging with each step, blast open the door (Their Bedroom door) and tell me exactly word for word, ‘Get The FUCK OUT NOW’ SLAM the door behind me and there they would be arguing for a little while, after that he would go back downstairs into the living room and continue to watch TV. That was 1 example of before my mother left the home, just 1 example of thousands I could give. After my mother left the home that is what I term has ‘That’s when the fun begins’ to try to keep it brief I know iv said a lot so far, and I don’t want to drone on. So to keep it brief this is what he did to me.

Please keep in mind the context of all this is in a state of pure abuse. They may seem small when compared to other acts that disgusting so called parents do, but this was something else, it really was the language he would use if I wrote it you’d see why some of these things damaged me like they have.


  • I was not allowed to EAT
  • I was not allowed to sit in the living room (Would check the sofa to see if I’ve been sitting on it) (I tested him once by being in their, when he came home from work, to where he said ‘What the Fuck are you doing sitting in here, Get the Fuck out and go to your stinking Fucking Room and stay there’
  • I was not allowed to use any heating, during winter
  • I was forced to do the housework
  • I was not allowed to tell anyone what was happening or he would kick me out the home, I was 16 at the time, weeks after leaving school (Parents go divorced during my exams which destroyed my chances of anything, because the home was HELL)
  • I was told to stay in my bedroom when he came home from work
  • I was not allowed to ask for anything including food or drinks
  • He told me often how shit I am, and without him I would be nothing
  • He said to me, your fucked up now with 1 parent left, just think how fucked up you’d be with 0 parents. (I think I’m doing very well)

THE IN’s & OUT’s

Now some of these things may sound very small like the housework but I want to put into context. I was 15 years old when my parents divorced and I was 16 when my mother left the home, at 16 yrs of age I was too young to claim benefit money and I was not able to work because I had no skills, also I had severe issues going on at that time, where I went down the wrong road. Also with the no allowed to eat, I could not of been more clear this is how it was, he would mark the sugar and the milk with marker pens and if I had dared to drink some milk he would threaten me, remember I’m 16, he told me to not touch his fucking things, I used to say what about me, his answer would be what about you. After several months of this, I started to steal from him which I know isn’t right but I needed to eat, so I stole from him around £400 over a 9 month period to buy just food which I did, What I used to do was, because I have an eating disorder too, what id do is buy the food I eat, cook it that day and eat it and wash up everything and open all the doors and windows to get all the smells out, now you just read all that, I had to do that to just EAT a Tin of FOOD. This is what my life was in a brief detail trust me this is brief and I’m not making the best case by making this brief but I cant continue to speak on this. Now you can imagine what our relationship is like NOW. Now I’m a full grown man, he is unable to control me in such ways. He is now powerless.


Relationships in a sexual sense for me hasn’t been too destructive other than the one I’ve spoken on with that being my child’s mother, I really haven’t messed up in a sexual sense has it relates to relationships because I’m an old fashioned type of guy, I have to admit I HATE, I mean HATE all this to put it bluntly all this ‘Shagging about’ Bullshit, I believe in sticking to 1 woman, now I have a partner who I’m committed to, but I honestly detest all this going from 1 person to another, so it has lead to very little chances of any issues now not to confuse you, I only let people in who I trust and with girls who I know are not worth it I don’t let in, so therefore there’s no conflict. I let few people in that’s why my conflict relationships are really only centred around maybe 5 people at best. (Also I’m not judging anyone who may like to play the field, either man or woman, I’m not judging, I’m just saying it isn’t for me, I’m boring, my principals mean more to me than my Male Ego’ By make ego I mean, Well you men should understand that. Now guys I’m going to give you some information now.


Those suffering with borderline personality disorder (BPD) have a proclivity for unstable interpersonal relationships. These individuals are unable to tolerate being alone due to their abandonment anxiety. They also experience severe anger and frequently undermine their significant others. Those with BPD commonly mask their dependency and manipulation. An unstable sense of self is characteristic of the disorder, along with impulsiveness and demanding behavior.

Substance abuse and promiscuity are also common, and may be connected. Researchers have found that BPD symptoms and diagnosis successfully predict dating satisfaction and stress, adolescents conflict with romantic partners, domestic violence, and separation and divorce.

Typically individuals with BPD have difficulty trusting others. Irritability and inappropriate anger with temper tantrums may occur. The symptoms of BPD may resemble love addiction. While love addiction is not medically diagnosable, addictive behavior is difficult to live with. Relationships build quickly and intensely. They are unable to see the faults of their partner, and cannot tolerate changes in intimacy. Because their partner will eventually disappoint them, the person with BPD must reconcile their black and white conceptualization. Splitting shields those with the disorder from the anxiety of conflicting emotions.

One study found that those with BPD have a distorted sense of social norms, which impacts their ability to trust or cooperate. When something goes wrong in their relationships, they do not respond in a manner that would repair the damage. By doing so, they limit others from being able to fully cooperate in return.

Frequently these individuals are unable to focus on the feelings of others because their own emotional pain is too great an obstacle. Research has evidenced that women diagnosed with BPD display problematic sexual behaviors and patterns of unstable love relationships. Sexuality is frequently used to avoid the chronic feelings of emptiness experienced by those with the disorder. It may also be used to temper the anxiety felt surrounding perceived abandonment.

Individuals with BPD may feel that their emotional needs are not met in a relationship, but they do not have the capacity to assert their emotional needs in a productive and healthy manner. When they do not get what they want or need from the relationship, frustrations arise. Because of the intense fear of loneliness and abandonment, when the relationship is viewed as at risk these individuals may feel extreme anger.

Those suffering with BPD do not have the skills to manage their rage. Because of this, they may physically lash out at their partner. Studies have found that BPD is related to intimate partner aggression, including physical, emotional and sexual aggression.

Overall, those with BPD have intense and unstable relationships. Commonly they view people as all good or all bad, and in a relationship this perspective is used to devalue their partners. They do not want to be abandoned, however, so manipulation and control are used to prevent their partners from leaving.

Men who suffer from BPD may be emotionally volatile. Anger, jealousy and depression are typical of these men. They may be physically aggressive when they believe that a social or emotional distance exists between them and their female partners.

Studies of lesbian abusers found similar dichotomous thinking and feeling patterns. In these relationships, violence was used when they felt their partners were becoming emotionally distant or when physical separation was threatened. Furthermore, women with borderline personality disorder may be at a greater risk of using interpersonal physical aggression than those without the disorder.

Counselling is vital, and couples may wish to seek their own therapists who practice dialectical behavior and other forms of therapy. Seeing therapists separately is important so that each individual can work on their own issues before working on the relationship. Skilled therapists who specialize in working with BPD individuals will be better able to offer help.

Treatment for borderline personality disorder may include hospitalization, medication, substance abuse treatment and psychotherapy. Support groups for the loved ones of individuals with BPD may also be helpful. Like others, individuals suffering with BPD seek acceptance, forgiveness and reconciliation. Because of childhood trauma histories experienced by many with the disorder, it is important for the patient to be able to collaborate emotionally and therapeutically so they may tell their story.

BPD relationships are often chaotic, intense, and conflict-laden. This can be especially true for romantic BPD relationships. Many people have been hurt in their romantic relationships with borderline personality partners, but others have found a way to make the relationships work.

If you are considering starting a relationship with someone with BPD, or are in one now, you need to educate yourself about the disorder and what to expect. If you have been diagnosed with BPD, it can be helpful to think about how your symptoms have affected your romantic relationships.

Romantic BPD Relationships and Symptoms

One of the core features of BPD is the presence of serious interpersonal problems. People with BPD tend to have intense, unstable relationships, characterized by frequent wavering between strong clinginess/dependency and sudden withdrawal. In addition, many of the symptoms of BPD (e.g., suicidal gestures, impulsive behavior) are extremely frustrating and scary for romantic partners, and can introduce more stress into the relationship.

To learn more about the variety of ways that BPD can affect all kinds of relationships, see this article titled Borderline Relationships: Understand the Impact of BPD Symptoms.

Research on Romantic BPD Relationships

Research has confirmed that people with BPD tend to have very stormy romantic relationships characterized by a great deal of tumult and dysfunction.

For example, one study demonstrated that women with BPD symptoms reported greater chronic relationship stress and more frequent conflicts. In addition, the more severe of persons BPD symptoms are, the less satisfaction their partners report.

Research has also shown that BPD symptoms are associated with a greater number of romantic relationships over time, and a higher incidence of unplanned pregnancies in women. Individuals with BPD also tend to have more former partners and tend to terminate more relationships in their social networks than patients without personality disorders this suggests that romantic relationships with people with BPD are more likely to end in a break up.

It is important to note, however, that these types of problems are not exclusive to BPD. People with many different types of personality disorder symptoms report problems in their romantic relationships. However, it is clear that people with BPD struggle in their romantic relationships.

Starting a Romantic Relationship with Someone With BPD

Given all the difficulties that exist in BPD relationships, why would anyone start a relationship with someone with BPD? First, it is important to remember that despite these intense and disruptive symptoms, people with BPD are frequently good, kind, and caring individuals. Often they have many positive qualities that can make them great romantic partners some of the time.

In addition, many people who have been in a romantic relationship with someone with BPD talk about how fun, exciting, and passionate a BPD partner can be. Many people are drawn to a BPD partner precisely because people with BPD have intense emotions and strong desire for intimacy.

BPD Relationships and Sex

Impulsive sexuality is one of the symptoms of BPD, and many people with BPD struggle with issues of sexuality. In addition, a large percentage of people with BPD experienced childhood sexual abuse, which can make sex very complicated.

Research has shown that women with BPD have more negative attitudes about sex, are more likely to feel pressured into having sex by their partner, and are more ambivalent about sex, than women without BPD. Unfortunately no research has been done on sexuality in men with BPD.

Can You Make a Romantic BPD Relationship Last?

Most BPD relationships go through a honeymoon period. People with BPD will often report that at the beginning of a new romantic relationship they put their new partner on a pedestal and sometimes feel they have found their perfect match, a soul mate who will rescue them from the emotional pain (a kind of thinking called idealization.)

This honeymoon period can be very exciting for the new partner too. After all, it is really nice to have someone feel so strongly about you, and to feel as if you are needed.

Problems start to arise, however, when reality sets in. When a person with BPD realizes that their new partner is not faultless, that image of the perfect (idealized) soul mate can come crashing down. Because people with BPD struggle with dichotomous thinking, or seeing things only in black and white, they can have trouble recognizing the fact that most people make mistakes even when they mean well. As a result, they may quickly go from idealization to devaluation (or thinking that their partner is a horrible person).

The key to maintaining a relationship with someone with BPD is to find ways to cope with these cycles (and to encourage your BPD partner to get professional help to reduce these cycles). Sometimes partners in a BPD relationships are helped by couples therapy.

BPD and Romantic Relationships: Breaking Up

Many issues arise when a BPD relationship is ending. Because people with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment, a break up can leave them feeling absolutely desperate and devastated. Even if a relationship is unhealthy, a person with BPD can often have trouble letting the relationship go. This will particularly true of long-term partnerships or marriages. For example, see Should I Divorce My BPD Spouse?)

Id like to thank you for getting through todays Final topic of BPD awareness month. Unstable Relationships, id like to say something about todays blog, it was more detailed than I wanted it to be, I felt I spoke too much today but I have to upload it non the less because its all apart of it isn’t it. Id just like to say I apologise if I did go on too much, I just needed to get it all out has best has I could. Id like to thank you for reading todays blog alongside all the others of the entire month. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER AWARENESS MONTH. is now finished guys hope I have helped shed some light on BPD from someone who lives it each and everyday. Thank you for taking the time to read my blogs.

BPD Awareness Month (Unstable Emotions)(DBT-Dialectical Behavior Therapy)


Todays Topic is ‘Unstable Emotions’(With a Bonus section on DBT) Now this is the Penultimate Topic & I’d suggest it is the Queen of the Main Problems relating to Borderline Personality Disorder. Tomorrows Topic will be in my opinion the King. Now there is a lot of research into this subject there is a lot of data to back up the theory that unstable Emotions comes from our childhood & upbringing & how our parents or care givers raise us from baby ages throughout our life.

There is also the side of the debate that life style choices affect our emotions, Also another side of the debate is Things out of our control that affect our life’s such has a Death or a Loss or a Family Breakdown etc, if they happen at a early age it suggests it shapes us for the rest of our life’s, example if a 7 year old’s family unit beaks down, then they have several things going on, 1stly that child will be suffering because of the family break, 2ndly he/she will be traumatised by the before/after circumstances, maybe a mother/father have left the home alongside a sibling or a family pet or even the Home, 3rdly they will also be dealing with emotional trauma of the aftermath, which are different to the emotions of the ‘At the time’ sort of thing, its like when something happens to you, your in shock for a while and then all of a sudden the shock has gone and bang a rapid emotional state comes where your all over the shop. 2 very different states of emotions, relating to the 1 event. So that’s the example of a 7 year old. Now lets go a bit further to a 18 year old with the very same circumstances with no changes at all.

The emotional mess this young adult would be going through is somewhat the same, but with this example the 18 year old male or female will have a lot of Anger & unlike the small child, the 18 year old will be able to vent this anger out, good/bad/in different, that’s irrelevant, what matters is they will be able to vent it out, unlike the 7 year old where most people will be saying this, what I term has ‘Anti-Human’ Line they will say ‘Oh don’t worry THEY will GET OVER IT’ Now that is perhaps one of the most destructive things you can ever say to anyone, let alone a child. The unstable emotions that, that 18 year old will be going through is destructive because all of a sudden then are thrown into a world of.. Something they could not of pictured in their worst nightmare, And trying to deal with that is somewhat impossible.

The point is no matter the age in my opinion the destruction will have the same or very similar patterns, unlike what I said at the very beginning of this, that was NOT my opinion, I disagree with that thought that if your smaller it affects you throughout your life, I say if it affects you that badly no matter the age it will affect your life full stop. I often share a lot of Clinical information & a lot of the time I personally disagree with it, but that’s my personal perspective, I share the clinical info because its based off 100’s of thousands, dare I say Millions of data collected. So 1,000 people reacting lets say A, and I react B, and I’m the 1 in the 1,000. That’s why I choose to give you guys all the clinical info in all my blogs so that you guys can get the best idea of the subject in hand, with my own personal perspective which is one thing, and I give you guys the data based info has a 2nd thing.

So you guys can get a good grasp of the subject, from someone who lives it and from the people who have worked in that field. So you get the best of both worlds really. I do agree with a lot of the info I share, but there is somethings I do disagree with, but that’s all apart of life isn’t it my friends. I just wanted to share this. Also them examples I gave the above is from a slight personal perspective, not entirely my perspective, but it did some relation to my personal life, but not in its entirety. Now I’m going to give you some Clinical Info now Guys, Now there is going to be a Bonus section of DBT, I wont be speaking on that part from my personal perspective, But what I will say is iv had it and it worked very very well.

Imagine you have a cut. The skin around your cut heals. But it heals all wrong. The scarred tissue is extra sensitive. So much so that every time you simply touch the area, its like the wound tears open again, and again, and again; and the pain peaks every single time. Now imagine this wound represents your emotional sensitivity and how you deal with the world every day. This is akin to the emotional susceptibility of borderline personality disorder (BPD).

As Shari Y. Manning, Ph.D, writes in her excellent book Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, People with BPD have an exquisite vulnerability to emotions. And this susceptibility is hardwired.

For instance, Manning cites one interesting study where researchers tickled infants on their noses with a feather. Their responses ranged widely: Some infants didn’t react at all, others moved around and still others started crying and it was tough to calm them down. These babies were seen as sensitive to emotional stimuli.

Like other disorders, BPD also involves an environmental component. (Not everyone whos emotionally sensitive goes on to have BPD.) Individuals with BPD aren’t just genetically vulnerable to emotions; they’ve also grown up in an invalidating environment. So they mightve never learned how to regulate their emotions, or their emotions were continuously ignored or dismissed.

What It Means To Be Emotional

According to Manning, being emotional isn’t a lack of control; it has more to do with three separate tendencies that cause emotional arousal in different ways. These are:

  • Emotional Sensitivity. Loved ones aren’t the only ones confused when someone with BPD has an emotional reaction seemingly out of nowhere. People with BPD may be unaware of the trigger, too. But they still have a strong reaction. Emotional sensitivity wires people to react to cues and to react to their reactions. Manning explains that: To understand emotional sensitivity, think of the person with BPD as being raw. His emotional nerve endings are exposed, and so he is acutely affected by anything emotional.
  • Emotional Reactivity. A person with BPD not only reacts with extreme emotion (what would be sadness in most becomes overwhelming despair. What would be anger becomes rage), but their behavior also is intense and doesn’t fit the situation. They might sleep for days, scream in public or self-harm. Manning points out that emotional reactivity isn’t self-indulgent or manipulative, which is an unfortunate myth attached to BPD. Instead, research has suggested that people with BPD have a higher emotional baseline. If most peoples emotional baseline is 20 on a 0 to 100 scale, then people with BPD are continuously at 80. What can intensify their reactions are the secondary emotions of shame and guilt because they know “their emotions are out of control, Manning writes. Lets say your loved one is angry. “On top of the original anger, these secondary emotions feel intolerable, and their fear of all this emotion, ironically, tends to fire off another series of emotions perhaps anger that is now shifted to you, for not helping your loved one or for some unexpressed reason.”
  • Slow Return to Baseline.” People with BPD also have a hard time calming down and stay upset longer than others without the disorder. And theres interesting evidence to back this up. “In a person with average emotional intensity, an emotion fires in the brain for around 12 seconds. There is evidence that in people with BPD emotions fire for 20 percent longer.”

An Exercise in Understanding

In Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, Manning also helps readers better understand what its like to be emotionally vulnerable. She suggests thinking about an extended period of time when you were very emotional.

For Manning her emotional explosion happened when the company she’d worked for was going bankrupt. Not only was everyone upset and Manning barely sleeping but then her friend passed away. At that point I felt like every emotion that I had was at the surface of my skin. I physically felt like I would explode with emotion if one more thing happened.” She notes that she was “an emotional sponge.” She didn’t even want sympathy because she felt like this would put her over the edge.

When thinking about your own highly emotional experience, Manning writes:

Remember what it felt like emotionally and physically. Remember how it felt like emotions were just building on each other. Remember the experience of no one understanding how bad the situation was and how emotional you were. Now tell yourself that this is the experience of your loved one every moment of every day.

How Loved Ones Can Help

Manning shared her insight on how family and friends can help in a two-part interview on Psych Central (Part 1 and Part 2). And loved ones can do a lot, especially when it comes to helping the person when they’re upset.

In her book, Manning provides readers with step-by-step strategies and detailed examples. Below is a brief list of suggestions from her book:

  1. Assess: ask what has happened.
  2. Listen actively; don’t contradict, judge, or say your loved one is overreacting.
  3. Validate: find something in what happened that makes sense and is understandable, that you can relate to; say what that is.
  4. Ask if you can help, not to solve the problem but to get through the moment.
  5. If your loved one says no, give him or her space and remember the emotions of emotionally vulnerable people last longer.

Also, it’s important to remember that people with BPD do get better and simply need to learn the skills of managing their emotions. While this requires hard work and effort, treatments such as dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) have been shown to be highly effective.

(DBT) Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder  

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., at the University of Washington, is a type of psychotherapy, sometimes called “talk therapy,” used to treat borderline personality disorder (BPD). DBT is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), meaning it’s a therapy that focuses on the role of cognition, which refers to thoughts and beliefs, and behavior, or actions, in the development and treatment of BPD.

DBT includes some changes to the traditional cognitive behavioral elements of therapy. These changes are intended to specifically help reduce the symptoms of BPD.

Research Support for Dialectical Behavior Therapy

DBT was the first psychotherapy shown to be effective in treating BPD in controlled clinical trials, the most rigorous type of clinical research. While DBT is no longer the only therapy to have shown effectiveness in controlled trials, it has grown a large evidence base and is considered one of the best treatments for BPD in terms of documented success rates.

Theoretical Basis for Dialectical Behavior Therapy

DBT is based on Dr. Linehan’s theory that the core problem in BPD is emotion dysregulation, which results from mixing biology, including genetic and other biological risk factors, and an emotionally unstable childhood environment, for instance where caregivers punish, trivialize or respond erratically to the child’s expression of emotion, together.

The focus of DBT is on helping the client learn and apply skills that will decrease emotion dysregulation and unhealthy attempts to cope with strong emotions.

What to Expect in Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Usually, DBT includes a combination of group skills training, individual psychotherapy and phone coaching, although there are exceptions.Patients in DBT are asked to monitor their symptoms and use of learned skills daily while their progress is tracked throughout therapy.

There are four main types of skills that are covered in DBT skills training. These are:

  • Mindfulness Meditation Skills. These skills center on learning to observe, describe and participate in all experiences, including thoughts, sensations, emotions and things happening externally in the environment, without judging these experiences as “good” or “bad.” These are considered core skills that are necessary in order to implement the other DBT skills successfully.
  • Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills. The focus of this skill module is on learning to successfully assert your needs and to manage conflict in relationships.
  • Distress Tolerance Skills. The distress tolerance skills module promotes learning ways to accept and tolerate distress without doing anything that will make the distress worse in the long run, for instance, engaging in self-harm.
  • Emotion Regulation Skills. In this module, patients learn to identify and manage emotional reactions.

Interested in Dialectical Behavior Therapy?

If you are interested in learning more about DBT, there are a number of resources available on the Behavioral Tech website. Visit the resources page to learn more about the basics of DBT and Dr. Linehan. The clinical resources directory can help you find DBT providers in your area.

Alternatively, you can ask your therapist, physician or other mental health professional for a referral to someone who specializes in DBT.

The Difference Between DBT and Didactic Therapy

Didactic therapy is a group therapy most often used for those with substance use disorders to teach them the facts and help educate them, while DBT is typically for use in the treatment of borderline personality disorder.

Id like to thank you for reading todays Blog on Unstable Emotions & Bonus, DBT.

My Political Stance for the 2017 Snap General Election.

My political stances are;

My Main stances are

My 2nd stances are
public services
Human rights
workers rights

My 3rd stances are
Council and social housing
racial hatred
freedom of speech

our NHS is in need of a serious amount of hard cash to sustain it. It is not under pressure because of immigration or the amount of people in the country, but it is under pressure because money is being stripped from the NHS and a destruction rate. Its all purposely done so the Tory lead government can impose a new agenda to the NHS and that’s to make it private. Like in America where its an humanitarian crisis levels, in plain English if you cant pay you suffer or die in most cases.
The NHS needs more doctors, more nurses and more beds, more staff and more PAY.

Our education system is in a state of top down, which means every school child and student is taught from the top down. So this logic is if a student can do the hardest work and pass on it, then the less harder work will be easy to do. This is fundamentally wrong in so many ways, education is NOT a all brush works, education is different for us all, some mathematician couldn’t spell themselves out a paper bag and some English a** can suck at maths, so its not a one works for all solution. which is what this top down system is.

The environment is in danger at such a rate that’s its practically impossible to fix within decades. The amount of damage we have done to the atmosphere and to the water and to the ground itself, is beyond any governments solution, unless there is a blanket like treaty with all nations globally, to help fix this issue in a HARDLINE way, that would be the only way to solve this problem, if its signed and done where no NEW government could scrap it. It’d be a piece of legislation that would never change, unless the planet changes. we should move with the evidence and not political ideologies.

The economy for me is a far out the field view, I do not believe in money or economics.
It does not exist in all reality of the world, money does not run our lands. I have a strong view on money and the economy.
Which would be shot down instantly by anyone who believes in democracy and other political beliefs. Democracy foundation is based upon money and silver and gold. But I stand against it firmly and I will not change my personal views, I have to go along with political parties that encourage economics sadly. Until there is a political party that stands for this as there number 1 policy, until that day I have to tag along.

I am a massive fan of unions in the world as we live in. Id support a unionising of all public services where the pay is protected and the jobs are protected and the ticket prices of all public services can be capped at a liveable rate.
Also the unionising would help workers against bad employers etc. I’d also like to see a governmental taxi service implemented across the UK. where the rates are capped at a certain price per mile. and where jobs are protected etc.

I’m a fan of human rights and I think it should be protected across all governments. Human rights is something that needs to be treasured by everyone elected. and any acts to try and scrap human rights should be met with full force.

I’m a supporter of unions and the protection of workers. So id support an act to unionise all jobs in the UK even private company’s, id like to see them forced into a union agreement. to protect pay, workers, and workers against bad employers and also help in tribunals and any prosecutions etc.

id like to see council housing increased at a 200% rate. So id like to see millions of new council homes for the low paid and homeless and people on the bread line. Id support any government who would do this and make it a priority. Social housing is critical also for struggling people from teenagers being kicked out of home, to people hooked on drugs on the streets and people who are vulnerable. This needs to be increased at a rate of 75% in my opinion.

I support benefit help for the needed and the health checks need to be abolished and this should work with the NHS and when people are already suffering they should not have to go through very evasive assessments. Id like to see them scrapped instantly.
I support a benefit system for the needed, no matter what.

I am totally against any borders being closed and I fully support open borders.
I do NOT link terrorism to immigration, that is a racial stance and I’m not one of them people who take up that stance. I fully support immigration. NOW recently with people from the UK leaving and going to Syria to fight WITH ISIS. Now if we are able to track down these men and women who have done this and who have returned to the UK and living here, if we are able to find these people. I take a very HARDLINE VIEW, and I firstly would like them tried and if proven guilty through EVIDENCE only. If found guilty id have them killed, via hanging or lethal injection. Now i take that position because this ideology is a cancer and placing them in prison they get the chance to radicalize other inmates who are on shorter sentences etc. Systematically getting rid of every member of terrorism groups.

I stand against any racial hatred and religion also, although i am a very strong advocaat of abolishing religion but not in an aggressive way, rather through evidence. but with that aside, i defend peoples rights to there race and to there religion and being discriminated because of them i think it needs a very strict law.

I fully support LIMITED freedom of speech
i think we all can share our views even extreme views far right or far left. But where i draw the line is when it turns from speech to incitement to hate, such as Adolf Hitler he was a very good speaker but he preached HATE and anyone who does the like need there rights revoked.
There is a difference from saying something extreme TO inciting people to do crime or commit murders etc based on this hate speech. There is a fine line but its a very dangerous line.

BPD Awareness Month (Guilt/Progress) -May 2017-


Todays topic is Guilt/Progress iv combined these 2 things because they fall in together quiet well, the essence of todays topic is the fact that us with BPD get a massive sense of emotions of pure guilt when we progress up the ladder in our mental health battles. Reason I say sense of emotions is because its not necessarily an emotion what we feel its more of an intense sense of several emotions at one time so I chose to call it sense of emotions because pinpointing each emotion would be very difficult to do.

So I’ll begin with myself, iv become aware of this in such a sudden moment in time when I was able to see the progress iv made in my own personal battle after a moment of fresh air, I was then suddenly struck with this sense of guilt and the exact words that came with this sense of emotions was ‘You have betrayed us, Your a coward’ these words came into my mind when I was not thinking anything close to these kinds of things, I was actually smiling at the time I took the fresh air in and was able to breath, after I exhaled it was then BANG this came and attacked me and then I was aware of the guilt I was feeling in pure relation to the progress iv made, which left me very disheartened and I felt like a traitor to myself, iv progressed somewhat which in turns means iv left behind in the fire that badness, but its pictured in my mind has a person, like you’ve left them to save yourself, and the guilt you get from that I could say is what I’m feeling.

 This is a trap within BPD this is why its so important to differentiate between ,You and BPD, Your emotions and BPD emotions, Your thoughts and BPD thoughts etc, because BPD and you are has one in the physical form, but inside we are the enemy for each other, I do not accept anything BPD wise everything attached to it is an enemy of mine, because they are not mine, the thoughts the emotions etc, this is a trap because has soon has you begin to feel anything nice ,BPD is straight their to knock you down and make sure you have nothing but that. Now it may seem bizarre what I’m saying but its actually the insight to how it is for us. I guess the label for us BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER is fitting isn’t it, Now you can see why we are this label because this what I’m saying is the root problem for us, because there is US and there is IT.

Making any progress on the mental health ladder comes with its backlash and its painful, I cannot tell you how bad it feels the only way I can describe it so you guys can get the gist of it instantly, its like your at work you’ve just spent 8 hours doing the job for then your boss to come along and tell you you did it all wrong and your a fucking waste of time etc, and then the next day the same thing happens and you correct your mistake you do everything the boss tells you to do, word for word and yet he still tells you, you have done it wrong, you useless bastard. Its like that no matter what you do it will come and attack you, unless if you fail and don’t bother then everything the boss said would be then true, i.e the BPD ,if I stop trying and stop progressing everything that BPD tells me would then be true. Words if I wrote them could bring a tear to your eyes, words you’d never say not even to your worst enemy trust me.

Is the Guilt justified? Now here you will get a good sense of BPD first hand. Is it justified , id say Yes it is justified how dare I betray myself and try and progress to leave it behind and then get out into freedom to never look back, only cowards do such things and how could I look at myself in the mirror and believe I did the right thing? Now its down to your interpretation to see if, I actually believe that or if that’s the BPD taking over, its down to your own interpretation. What I will say though is its true isn’t it. That what I just did is the great example of how us with BPD are. We say one thing but it means something else. Example – Friend: Are you okay , Me: yes I’m fine. Now if you know anything about mental health issues that key word ‘FINE’ I say I’m fine, what I’m actually saying is, don’t ask me questions just fucking help me please, But them words are practically impossible to be said, so I’m fine works better. to help then later that day to self-destruct.

ill be open and frank right now, iv progressed so bloody much over the last 3 years, everyone around has commented on this progress, and I’m glad iv been able to fight this and able to progress. But I cant tell you how much pain I’m going though because of the guilt I feel, its devastating, the guilt is so intense, I do honestly feel like a coward because iv walked away or was able to fight off certain demons, the guilt is unreal, but I’m continuing to fight because I’m holding onto the hope that one day even for 1 day or 1 hour or 1 minute I can feel what its like to be ‘Normal’. That’s my goal so all the guilt I’m feeling ill take has I progress. But its soul destroying, but it might be worth it in the end.


Many people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) experience intense and chronic shame. Shame, a self-conscious emotion associated with a sense of worthlessness, self-contempt, or self-loathing may in part explain the high rates of self-harm and suicidal behaviour in people with BPD.

What Is Shame?

We use the word all the time, but what exactly is “shame?” Shame is considered one of the self-conscious emotions; it is an emotion that relates to our behaviour or self, often in relation to other people’s opinions. Other self-conscious emotions include embarrassment and guilt.

Although the lines between these emotions have been conceptualized in different ways, one way to think about this is that shame is different than embarrassment or guilt because we experience these two emotions in relation to our behaviour, whereas shame is an emotion that relates directly to our sense of self. To understand this distinction, let’s use the example of an impulsive act that some people with BPD struggle with: shoplifting.

Imagine that, on impulse, you shoplifted something from a store. Even if no one found out about the shoplifting, you may experience guilt, a feeling that you have done something that is wrong. If someone did find out about your behaviour, you might experience embarrassment, the feeling you get when other people find out you have done something that violates social norms.

Shame, on the other hand, is a feeling that you are bad or worthy of contempt.

It is not necessarily about a specific behaviour or event, but is a feeling of being inadequate as a person. You may feel shame after shoplifting, but shame carries with it an additional judgment.

BPD and Shame

Many people with BPD experience pervasive and chronic shame, regardless of their behaviour. In fact, research suggests that shame may distinguish BPD from other disorders. In one study, women with BPD reported more shame-proneness than healthy women or women with social phobia, an anxiety disorder characterized by fear of social situations and being evaluated by others.

Women with BPD and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) do not have greater shame-proneness than women with BPD alone. This suggests that shame-proneness may be related to specifically to BPD rather than to co-occurring trauma-related symptoms

The Relationship Between Shame, Self-Harm, and Suicide

In addition to growing research that shows a connection between BPD and shame, a number of experts have suggested a connection between shame and deliberate self-harm and suicide attempts.

Self-reported shame has been shown to be associated with past suicide threats and current and past suicidal thoughts. Shame may also precede episodes of deliberate self-harm. For example, one study demonstrated that women with BPD who expressed more shame when talking about their self-harm behaviours were more likely to self-harm in the future.

Reducing Shame

Despite the intense emotional pain generated by feelings of shame in BPD, very few experts have attempted to develop treatments that directly reduce shameful feelings. However, some preliminary studies have shown that the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy skill of “Opposite Action” may help reduce shame about specific events. 

Unfortunately, people who feel high levels of shame may also feel motivated to hide their shame for fear that others may judge them to be unacceptable. But, this secrecy may also get in the way of recovery. If your therapist doesn’t know that you are experiencing shame, it will be hard for them to intervene.

Id like to thank you for taking the time to read todays blog – GUILT/PROGRESS. Feel free to leave any comments or feedbacks.

BPD Awareness Month (Self Harm/Self Mutilation) -May 2017-

So todays topic is self harm Or has the Professionals label it Self Mutilation (Which I think is rather a disgusting label personally… (Now I did this blog 2 months ago and directly because its the entire same topic of discussion, I have copied that blog into this one, because it is the same topic 100%. But in this blog I’m going to add Clinical information to enhance the blog has it is BPD Awareness Month. Unlike all other blogs the Clinical Information will be the 1st thing you’ll be reading normally id leave it to after my perspective but this time ill put it up first.

Clinical Information

Definition of Self Mutilation

Self mutilation involves the direct and deliberate destruction or alteration of the body. Examples of these behaviours include cutting, burning, sticking oneself with needles and severe scratching.

Self mutilation is usually very different than other self harming behaviours. Research has shown that individuals who engage in self harm are usually not trying to kill themselves when they engage in the behaviour, although some may report that they have mixed feelings about the intent of the act. This is not to say that people who engage in self mutilation are not suicidal; many people who self mutilate also have suicidal thoughts or even make suicide attempts. In addition, in cases of very severe self mutilation, people have died from their injuries.

Why People Engage in Self Mutilation

Many believe that people engage in self mutilation to get attention. THIS IS A MYTH

Most people who self harm do it in private and make sure that the marks or scars are hidden. They often will wear long sleeves to cover these signs. They are often ashamed of the behaviour and keep it a secret. Particularly for those with BPD who have rejection sensitivity, they worry continuously about people finding out about their secrets.

Research has shown that most people self mutilate in order to help regulate internal experiences such as


Who Engages in Self Mutilation?

Unfortunately, self mutilation is a common behaviour, particularly among those with BPD. One study found that about 40% of college students have engaged in self mutilation at least once and about 10% have engaged in self mutilation 10 or more times. There is evidence that men and women engage in self mutilation at equal rates.

People who have experienced maltreatment during their childhood, such as through sexual abuse or neglect, or who were separated from a caregiver in childhood, are at greater risk for self mutilation than the general population. 

How Is Self Mutilation Treated?

Because self mutilation is often an attempt manage intense feelings, cognitive behavioural treatments for self mutilation focus on helping the person find new, healthier ways of managing emotions and thoughts. For example, one cognitive behavioural treatment for borderline personality disorder, dialectical behaviour therapy, addresses unhealthy attempts at coping by helping the patient learn and practice a new set of coping skills.

In some cases, a doctor may prescribe medications to help regulate emotions and feelings and decrease the urge to self harm.

What To Do If A Friend or Loved One Self Mutilates

If you are going to talk with your friend or loved one about self mutilation, it’s important to do it in a non-judgmental fashion. Approaching them calmly and with care can make the person feel heard and understood.

Before talking with a loved one, it may be a good idea to consult with a therapist who specializes in treating BPD and self mutilation. He can give you professional advice on the best way to approach the situation without frightening or upsetting your loved one.

Get Treatment for Self Mutilation

If you or someone you know is struggling with self mutilation, there are a variety of treatment resources available. These articles cover more about how to find a therapist and the types of therapists available

Well I will begin this post by saying that self harming for Borderliners, I can say from personal experience and from speaking to the professionals such has psychotherapists and psychiatrists and has long has it is not in endangering your life or someone else’s life it is perfectly okay to self harm, weather that be cutting/Blading, Vomiting, or any other self harming escapes.

It is very much thought in the wider world that self harming is a bad thing and that it is something that needs to be prevented and also within the MH community it has this stigma too. Just in my experience and from anecdotal evidence, its very much okay to self harm has it is an escape of the emotions and shit you are going through it is a coping mechanisms, but its important to remember its only okay if your not in endangering your life, now some type of people will ask or say if you self harm aren’t you in endangering your life anyway and the answer to that is no, there is a huge difference from cutting ones arm to jumping in front of a train.

Self Harm is just a coping mechanisms and its a way of one person trying to manage everything without killing themselves there and then, it takes a lot of time and a lot of emotional pain to learn the tools the healthy tools to help cope, but when your first hit with mental health struggles or I should say when you become aware of them, in most cases the 1st thing that happens is self harming, no matter what the self harm is, it could be 1 of a million things, but cutting and vomiting are the most common with many others, so that’s why I use them two. Also I personally have had/have these 2 self harming coping mechanisms in my life so I know from personal experience regarding these 2 things.

Its also perfectly okay to feel a little ashamed of your self harming coping mech, its a normal that awful word, but its a normal thing to feel and think, but remember someone with a broken ankle has to use crutches and they are to embarrassed about it too, but it helps them cope and get about their daily life for that time being, you many self harm for 1 day, 1 week, 1 month , 1 year , 10 years , 30 years ,it doesn’t matter it will take as long has it will need to, until you learn the coping mechs you personally desire its all down individually what works for you and so on, but remember self harming is nothing to be ashamed of even though I did just say you may feel that way about it but try to remember its nothing to be ashamed of for you ,its just your way of saying okay iv taken enough shit today, self harm , your able to then come back down a little and then be able to almost breath fresh air and be like arrr okay.

iv personally cut and vomited has a coping mech, I used to cut in my 1st few years of being aware of my mental health struggles, then I started to vomit and still do to this day, iv been self harming now for over 10 years, but its a coping mech and who is anyone to tell you ,you can cope better in other ways, yes people can give you the tools but its you that’s got to take the bull by the horns and learn them, now I have learned many good ways of coping, but my old habits do come back, but iv learned tools to help cope the correct way lets say. But by no means do I disregard my own ways of coping, I.E self harming, because its a positive within a Negative. Because if we didn’t have that outlet of self harming how would be cope? we perhaps wouldn’t cope, hence why self harming the coping mech for anyone suffering any mental health issue, if we didn’t have that option, the suicide rate I think would be 100’s of thousands of millions higher than it currently is worldwide.

Just try to remember guys that has long has you are NOT endangering your life or anyone else’s then self harming is okay and try not to feel bad about it, its not what its portrayed in the social world has an attention seeking tool, you and I both know that very thought is total bullshit, but remember guys its perfectly fine to self harm. If it helps you cope who am I and who is anyone to tell you different.

I hope this post helps in some way, please remember these are from my own personal experience I don’t claim to be right in everything I say or even 1%, all I can do is speak from experience and from what iv seen and dealt with personally. please feel free to comment anything ,good or bad or anything.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post on Self Harming for Borderliners, Feel free to leave any comments or feedback.

BPD Awareness Month (Neglect) -May 2017-


Todays topic is NEGLECT, Now this can touch us all within the MH community or in the wider society so I’m sure many of us will relate to todays topic. Now this is will be fairly easy for me to write about has it still haunts me to this day the treatment I got, which has played a gigantic part in my mental health struggles for reasons ill get into. Ill be giving you some clinical info but this one today is coming from a survivor or BPD and who are now working in the MH field to treat others, So it has a much more personal impact rather than just clinical clap trap.

So i can say for myself i cant really say i was neglected until age 15 now you may be thinking age 15 is a bit late to then start suffering with neglect but once you’ve read my blog today you’ll understand. So early ages of life I cant say I was or felt neglected because i had my mother there, so I always had a parent who i could turn to, My father on the other hand very much the opposite, But during my early phases of life up to age 13 id say is when I really relied on my mother for guidance and general parenting and love, which love was very, Once in a Blue Moon, lets say. Even though i had all my struggles inside to deal with, neglected is something I felt a tiny bit of, but it really did not affect me, i don’t THINK. But 13 upwards is when things started to change drastically, the family home had changed before that when my sister left the home now at the time i didn’t know or understand how that impacted me, Because like iv stated in other blogs I have 3 Parents, the 2 who created me and the 1 who actually did the parenting which was my sister. So at the time I was not aware of the impact but looking back i can now see what happened to me, I lost the one person who Shown me everything in relation to food, now if you’ve read my other blogs and the one on eating disorders you’ll know the negative impact that had on me, with her leaving the home, it left me with just myself at ages of around 12 maybe 11 or maybe 13 I’m not sure the specific age but it was around them years. Now you may be thinking why wasn’t you parents their to help you. Good Question, to this day there is NO Answers. Enough Said!

So once my sister left the home, i was alone in my fight against my eating, left with 2 parents who was clueless to anything relating to my eating. So I was left with negatives their. Then to jump up in time to age 15, when the neglect began, that age i was leaving school too, so i was pretty much ignored at this time, because both parents was working together at the same place – DBC – So they would both leave about 5.30AM and return around 6-7PM to then sit in the living room arguing about all sorts of Bullshit. Leaving me stuck in my room, because the Rules from my father was if they was in the living room i was NOT ALOUD in their, specially if they was arguing, With him it was like this, if I was in the living room and on my laptop with HEADPHONES ON. He would complain to me he can hear it even when he’s watching tv and because he could hear the typing on the keyboard he’d tell me to ‘Get the FUCK out, and go in your room’ I got used to that it was normal, to get told by him to fuck off, so I began to just live in my room to the point no one ever seen me, i was in my room not 24/7 lets say 25/7 for fun. Because i would not leave the room, only to the bathroom at stupid o’clock, the reason I said 25/7 is to point out the fact I was forced to stay in my room. NOT BY CHOICE. So after a year or so of this BULLSHIT, I once braved it and went and sat in the living room with both parents with my laptop in hand, and he said, ‘you better not make any noise’ Even Breathing was too loud for this Bastard. That was the beginning of the Abuse/Neglect. When my mother left the home which I’m still shocked she lasted 23 years with this MONSTER. But after she left that’s when the fun started.

This man i don’t like using that word because he’s anything BUT a MAN, it was like this. He’d come home from work, and expect me to do the house work, okay fine, but I cleaned up after myself not leaving a crum literally but his crap I left because why the FUCK cant you clean up after your BASTARD SELF, you ignorant bastard?. To go from that small thing to like, Not being aloud in the living room, what he would do is as soon has he comes in he would touch the TV to see if its warm to see if iv been watching it, He would feel the sofa, it was leather, he would feel it to see if iv been sitting on it, He would feel the heaters to see if iv been using the heat, which was NOT ALOUD, Only freeze was aloud. He would check the MILK, yes you read that correctly and he would check the sugar, it even got to a point where he would MARK both milk and sugar with marker pens ,he’d draw a line and if it was under the lines when he got back, ARGUMENT. He refused to buy me any food, only food for himself, Now at this time I’m 16 yrs old. He would demand I do all the house work with no food, no nothing. He would tell me when he got home to stay in my room.

After 1 year of this, Yes i did something bad i stole from him around 400 pound in total, not all at once, but out his money saving jar, he was saving up for the Sony PS3 at that time, the original console that was worth 350-450. I did steal food throughout the 1st year to my punishment of arguments LOL. But the money i stole was in a drip drip fashion and all I did with the money i stole was buy FOOD, I bought my tin food to cook that day, which i did and id open all the windows and both front and back door to get the smell out so he would not no iv EATEN FOOD. I stole from him for around 9 months before he noticed. Which when he shouted me down to say you’ve stole from me, he didn’t give me a chance to explain, he just said to my amazement ‘I cant believe you’ve stolen from me, I’m your DAD’ LOL LOL LOL . Laughing my ass off. DAD and Him ^^^^ Clearly that is what parenting is all about, i must be missing something. Clearly!

Now this Monster was just a word abuser. But never the less abuse is abuse. Now if people close to me do read this, i.e family or close friends of the family, will find this very hard to believe, but unlike that MONSTER, I’m known for telling the truth even when it gets me in trouble, and he is known by all family to Lie and be dishonest, you know the typical coward talk, well I didn’t tell you so technically I’m not lying. Okay!

Now I have chopped so much out of this blog today because their is so much more I do need to say but iv chopped it down to give you a damn good taste of what neglect I suffered and what a monster this So called Man is. Now I did leave out a massive part about painting my room BLACK. ill just touch on it now but briefly, I think it was age 17 I’m not so sure, but it was between 16-18, I painted my room black even the windows, and I loved it you could not see a thing and I loved that, not being able to be seen, well it was bashed into me wasn’t it, to go into my room and not be seen or HEARD.

iv touched on that briefly but there is an entire chapter I could talk about on that. But have you noticed when the neglect and abuse started is when after my sister left the home and then the breakdown of his marriage to my mother. After the safety nets was gone he was free to unleash hell on me, and me and my mother was so close. Just another part again ill touch on It briefly, every night around 9pm id go into my mothers bedroom because at this stage he lived in the living room and my mother lived in the bedroom, id always go in their to talk to her for about 15 mins and every single time, he’d come banging up the stairs ,open the door, his exact words are/was ‘Get the FUCK OUT NOW’ SLAM the door behind me, and bang an argument. Argument because how DARE me and my mother TALK. You can see why my mother left this Prick. She left and never looked back, and I’m ready to do the same.  

So todays blog was awfully personal but needed to be said, Neglect is a disgusting thing and its a direct reason to majority of my mental health issues, NOT the soul reason but they play a gigantic part. Now I’m going to give you some info from someone who is a survivor of BPD. Who is now a DR. Working in the mental health field.

A child feels sad, and no one asks her, “What’s wrong?”

An upset child’s need for comforting goes unnoticed by his parents.

A child’s feelings of hurt are misinterpreted as willful misbehaviour.

No one asks a child, “What do you want?”

A child’s feisty nature goes unnoticed and unchecked by his parents.

Most likely, there is not a child in the history of the world who has not experienced some or all of these here and there. But what happens when a child experiences all of the above, and more, and often?

None of these incidents are abusive acts. None involves parental mistreatment or malice. None leaves the child hungry or cold. None fits the definition of “trauma.” Even a loving parent might fail his child in these ways. And yet I have discovered that when a child goes through enough of these types of parental failures, she will experience tremendous effects years later in adulthood.

A child whose feelings are too often unnoticed, ignored, or misinterpreted by her parents receives a powerful, even if unintended, message from them: “Your feelings don’t matter,” “Your feelings are wrong,” or even “Your feelings are unacceptable.”

Children are adaptive little beings who respond deeply to their parents’ reactions. A child who receives any of these messages enough from his parents will naturally adapt by pushing his feelings down and away so that they are not visible to others. He may push them so far away that they are not visible even to himself.

I have given a name to this process: Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). Childhood Emotional Neglect happens when a parent fails to notice or respond enough to a child’s emotional needs.

Notice that a parent’s failure to respond is not an event that happens to a child. Instead, it’s something that fails to happen for a child. Because CEN is not an event, it’s invisible, intangible, and unmemorable. It goes virtually unnoticed by both child and parent. A hundred people could be watching an instance of CEN and not one of them would notice.

Because of this, I have seen that the vast majority of people who grew up with CEN have no memory of it. As adults, they are baffled by the source of their struggles. They may look back upon a childhood in which they were loved, and in which all of their material needs were met, and see nothing wrong.

Yet CEN has a profound effect upon how a child will feel and function in adulthood. As a therapist, I have noticed a particular, identifiable pattern of struggles in adults who experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) as a child. I have identified 10, which fall into two main categories:

1. Self-care: People who did not receive enough emotional nurturance, discipline, soothing or compassion when they were growing up have great difficulty providing all of these things for themselves as adults. People with CEN struggle with prioritizing their own needs (and sometimes have difficulty knowing what their own needs are), making themselves do things they don’t want to do (self-discipline), and forgiving themselves for their own mistakes or challenges (self-compassion). Indeed, I have seen that people with CEN are typically far harder on themselves than they are on others.

2. Emotional awareness and knowledge: When you grow up with your emotions pushed away, you have little opportunity to learn how to tolerate, recognize, cope with, interpret, manage and express your emotions. So CEN folks tend to struggle with all of these things. In addition, I have seen that they often actually feel the absence of the feelings they’ve pushed away. Since emotion is the glue that binds us to others and the spice of life, CEN folks often express feelings of emptiness, disconnection, meaninglessness and aloneness.

If you see yourself reflected in any of this description, do not despair. It is entirely possible to heal from CEN. Each of the challenges above can be overcome in adulthood.

Here are examples of some exercises to get you on the track to becoming more connected, emotionally fulfilled, nurtured and self-disciplined.

1. SELF-MONITOR YOUR EMOTIONS: Three times a day, take a moment to yourself. Pause, close your eyes, and turn your attention inward. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Try your hardest to identify and name any feelings that you might have in that moment. Record them on a sheet of paper or in your Smartphone. It may be difficult and take some time to be able to identify any feelings at all, but just the process of trying will move you closer and closer to success. Over time, you will become more in touch with your feelings. You will gradually gain more access to this vital source of richness, connection and fulfillment.

2. IDENTIFY YOUR UNIQUE STRUGGLES WITH SELF-CARE, AND THEN ATTACK THEM: Look through the list below, and jot down any areas of self-care that are difficult for you.

  1. Having compassion for yourself when you make a mistake
  2. Putting yourself first
  3. Eating healthy and the right amount
  4. Getting regular exercise
  5. Asking others for help when you need it
  6. Prioritizing your own enjoyment
  7. Asserting your own likes and dislikes with others
  8. Getting a healthy amount of rest
  9. Saying “no”
  10. Other______________________________

Choose the one item that you would like to attack first. On a sheet of paper or in your smartphone, start recording EACH DAY the number of times you are able to do the right thing for yourself. Set a goal to gradually increase the number-per-day by the end of 30 days. Then start on the next month. Keep working daily until you are satisfied that you are doing better, and then start on the next area.

Yes, overcoming CEN can be a good deal of work. CEN can flow into many areas of a person’s adult life. But if you are a silent CEN sufferer, it is vital that you recognize it and begin to address it. Since CEN is so invisible, it is insidiously and automatically passed down from parents to children. Even loving, caring parents who were themselves emotionally neglected can inadvertently emotionally neglect their own children.

Identifying something that is not memorable or visible can be quite difficult. If you question whether it applies to you, you can visit my website to take The Emotional Neglect Questionnaire and learn more about CEN. For more in-depth information about how CEN happens, the types of parents who are most likely to emotionally neglect their children, and how to heal, you may want to see my book, Running on Empty: Overcome your Childhood Emotional Neglect.

id like to thank anyone who got through this blog today On NEGLECT.