Today is the Final Topic of The BPD Awareness Month (Very Detailed) (May Every year is Borderline Personality Awareness Month 1-31 May) Todays Finale Topic is ‘Unstable Relationships’ Which includes all aspects of Relationships, From Friendships to Sexual Relationships to Parental Relationships to Family Relationships & Everything in between. Has this is the Finale Topic of the Month, ill be giving you a detailed perspective of my life has it relates to Relationships also their will be detailed Clinical Information too. Has I do term this Topic has the King Of Kings of all the topics I’ve spoken about during the awareness month, this is my opinion is the ultimate problem has it relates to BPD, in my opinion there is No other issue that damages our life’s has much has this topic in my opinion. So ill begin with myself I’m not going to be doing this in any particular order, I tend to go from what’s been the most prevalent in my life & work it that way through the List.
RELATIONSHIPS WITHIN THE MIND
Relationships for me are quiet difficult to be honest in one sense that I always feel alone even in a crowd of people, I feel like I’m the one with 2 heads or I’m the black sheep out the group which sets up so much paranoia in my mind that I’m battling behind the curtain, while I’m trying to keep normal & look like I’m engaged with the conversation, I’m actually mentally somewhere else which is quiet annoying to be honest because then I’m wrapped up in all that bullshit, when I should be wrapped up in the moment with the people & the conversation has it develops but instead I’m just on the surface like, yeah that’s cool, awesome and inside I’m like you fucking idiot, to myself. That’s a very small almost insignificant problem when its compared to the bigger issues down the line, but this little, tiny thing is the start of what’s to come, because although I term this insignificant, clearly in reality it isn’t, but in my mind its something I disregard entirely, only now am I giving it any attention while I’m writing this, that’s how little I think of this has a problem, which is a bad or a good or a Nothing thing, I don’t know what the correct term would be, but that’s how I gage it.
Now moving on upwards relationships for me I wasn’t aware until I started my treatment in the 1st year of this current system I’m in which I’m now on my 3rd and final year of this treatment, relationships I was not aware it was a trigger word for me, Now if the very word is a trigger, how the hell would the actual thing take place in my life, a key word there Hell, it was/is pretty much that when it comes to relationships, Over many years I’ve destroyed relationships with my old ways & my old actions, leaving people to just walk away in the end because I was too much to deal with, Not understanding my own mind was what lead to these relationships breaking down and a result in these people leaving my life.
CONFIDENCE WITHIN PARENTING
Now recently I’ve worked my arse off to rebuild 2 relationships that I fucked up, only because through the treatment I’ve been going through alone with the only support from a handful of people, I’ve worked and worked hard to get to grips of myself and therefore my ways, I’m now at a point in my life where I’m able to have positive relationships, only because I’ve gone through the hell and hard work, all on my own, also I’m able to cut out negative people who 1 specifically ill cover later on, But now I’m able to work and have positive relations. Relationships has it relates to being a parent is something I still have not been able to fix correctly, although my child is still small, and my child is unaware of any of my issues, so there is very little damage that has been done on her end, but for me its something I’m yet to fix I do not know how or why what’s in my mind is the reality, Because since me and my child’s mother split, something happened to me regarding my relationship with my child, after the split I lost all my confidence in being a dad, I lost it all, everything inside me that was making me okay has a parent had gone overnight and has never come back, to this day I’m clawing to get back just 0.1% of the confidence I once had, I’m not sure what happened to me, I do not think it was because of the split I don’t think it was because of that, because now me and my child’s mother our relationship is friendly we are actually friends now, Now few years back Well. You can imagine I think.
But now id say this is my perspective our relationship strictly has parents to our child, our relationship is the best its ever been, including years of our best years, now in my opinion its the best it ever been and even now when I see my child even with the mother of our child I still lack confidence like before I was the head of household lets say, the top of the tree, now in my child presence I feel so small and not in a position of the head of the household, I’m not sure if this is coming out has I’m meaning it too, But there is something missing inside of me confidence wise with my child, which for me has partly destroyed our relationship, because it has lead me down some scary mental health problem roads, I do admit I’ve got issues going on which I’ve not spoken about before only to the pro’s and to my child’s mother, But this is a damaging thing in our relationship because this black spot I call it, is causing problems. But in the sense of me and my child we are happy has pigs in sugar :), when we are together and we have nothing but good times and my child enjoys being around me which I often find hard to cope with, the innocence of a child and the love and warmth they give, sometimes is too much to handle for me anyway. Because its true love and children are so blunt with their words but so honest too.
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
But that affects me too but that’s not relationship wise that’s something else. Relationships with my family is something of sadness, its way too much to even speak on really in this blog if I did, it would be around 50,000 words, reason I say that is because on this website it counts how many words you write. So ill speak on the 1 problem within my life has it relates to Relationships and Family, is my father who has been for the most part the most destructive person I’ve ever come across in my entire life, Now to the outside world he is a great guy, he’s an honourable guy, well respected guy, but behind closed doors, I’ve said this phrase in my treatment process and ill say it now, That man my father makes Adolf Hitler look like a Choir Boy. This blog is NOT the write space to speak on everything but I can give you bullet points to help make it clear of what a Monster this Man was/is/forever will be.
FOR WHATS TO COME
It really didn’t kick in the abuse until my parents divorce and after my mother left the home, a year leading up to her leaving the home, me and my mother was NOT ALLOWED to talk to each other, if we did, he would come up the stairs banging with each step, blast open the door (Their Bedroom door) and tell me exactly word for word, ‘Get The FUCK OUT NOW’ SLAM the door behind me and there they would be arguing for a little while, after that he would go back downstairs into the living room and continue to watch TV. That was 1 example of before my mother left the home, just 1 example of thousands I could give. After my mother left the home that is what I term has ‘That’s when the fun begins’ to try to keep it brief I know iv said a lot so far, and I don’t want to drone on. So to keep it brief this is what he did to me.
Please keep in mind the context of all this is in a state of pure abuse. They may seem small when compared to other acts that disgusting so called parents do, but this was something else, it really was the language he would use if I wrote it you’d see why some of these things damaged me like they have.
THE FUN BEGINS
- I was not allowed to EAT
- I was not allowed to sit in the living room (Would check the sofa to see if I’ve been sitting on it) (I tested him once by being in their, when he came home from work, to where he said ‘What the Fuck are you doing sitting in here, Get the Fuck out and go to your stinking Fucking Room and stay there’
- I was not allowed to use any heating, during winter
- I was forced to do the housework
- I was not allowed to tell anyone what was happening or he would kick me out the home, I was 16 at the time, weeks after leaving school (Parents go divorced during my exams which destroyed my chances of anything, because the home was HELL)
- I was told to stay in my bedroom when he came home from work
- I was not allowed to ask for anything including food or drinks
- He told me often how shit I am, and without him I would be nothing
- He said to me, your fucked up now with 1 parent left, just think how fucked up you’d be with 0 parents. (I think I’m doing very well)
THE IN’s & OUT’s
Now some of these things may sound very small like the housework but I want to put into context. I was 15 years old when my parents divorced and I was 16 when my mother left the home, at 16 yrs of age I was too young to claim benefit money and I was not able to work because I had no skills, also I had severe issues going on at that time, where I went down the wrong road. Also with the no allowed to eat, I could not of been more clear this is how it was, he would mark the sugar and the milk with marker pens and if I had dared to drink some milk he would threaten me, remember I’m 16, he told me to not touch his fucking things, I used to say what about me, his answer would be what about you. After several months of this, I started to steal from him which I know isn’t right but I needed to eat, so I stole from him around Â£400 over a 9 month period to buy just food which I did, What I used to do was, because I have an eating disorder too, what id do is buy the food I eat, cook it that day and eat it and wash up everything and open all the doors and windows to get all the smells out, now you just read all that, I had to do that to just EAT a Tin of FOOD. This is what my life was in a brief detail trust me this is brief and I’m not making the best case by making this brief but I cant continue to speak on this. Now you can imagine what our relationship is like NOW. Now I’m a full grown man, he is unable to control me in such ways. He is now powerless.
SEXUAL CONFLICT RELATIONSHIPS
Relationships in a sexual sense for me hasn’t been too destructive other than the one I’ve spoken on with that being my child’s mother, I really haven’t messed up in a sexual sense has it relates to relationships because I’m an old fashioned type of guy, I have to admit I HATE, I mean HATE all this to put it bluntly all this ‘Shagging about’ Bullshit, I believe in sticking to 1 woman, now I have a partner who I’m committed to, but I honestly detest all this going from 1 person to another, so it has lead to very little chances of any issues now not to confuse you, I only let people in who I trust and with girls who I know are not worth it I don’t let in, so therefore there’s no conflict. I let few people in that’s why my conflict relationships are really only centred around maybe 5 people at best. (Also I’m not judging anyone who may like to play the field, either man or woman, I’m not judging, I’m just saying it isn’t for me, I’m boring, my principals mean more to me than my Male Ego’ By make ego I mean, Well you men should understand that. Now guys I’m going to give you some information now.
Those suffering with borderline personality disorder (BPD) have a proclivity for unstable interpersonal relationships. These individuals are unable to tolerate being alone due to their abandonment anxiety. They also experience severe anger and frequently undermine their significant others. Those with BPD commonly mask their dependency and manipulation. An unstable sense of self is characteristic of the disorder, along with impulsiveness and demanding behavior.
Substance abuse and promiscuity are also common, and may be connected. Researchers have found that BPD symptoms and diagnosis successfully predict dating satisfaction and stress, adolescents conflict with romantic partners, domestic violence, and separation and divorce.
Typically individuals with BPD have difficulty trusting others. Irritability and inappropriate anger with temper tantrums may occur. The symptoms of BPD may resemble love addiction. While love addiction is not medically diagnosable, addictive behavior is difficult to live with. Relationships build quickly and intensely. They are unable to see the faults of their partner, and cannot tolerate changes in intimacy. Because their partner will eventually disappoint them, the person with BPD must reconcile their black and white conceptualization. Splitting shields those with the disorder from the anxiety of conflicting emotions.
One study found that those with BPD have a distorted sense of social norms, which impacts their ability to trust or cooperate. When something goes wrong in their relationships, they do not respond in a manner that would repair the damage. By doing so, they limit others from being able to fully cooperate in return.
Frequently these individuals are unable to focus on the feelings of others because their own emotional pain is too great an obstacle. Research has evidenced that women diagnosed with BPD display problematic sexual behaviors and patterns of unstable love relationships. Sexuality is frequently used to avoid the chronic feelings of emptiness experienced by those with the disorder. It may also be used to temper the anxiety felt surrounding perceived abandonment.
Individuals with BPD may feel that their emotional needs are not met in a relationship, but they do not have the capacity to assert their emotional needs in a productive and healthy manner. When they do not get what they want or need from the relationship, frustrations arise. Because of the intense fear of loneliness and abandonment, when the relationship is viewed as at risk these individuals may feel extreme anger.
Those suffering with BPD do not have the skills to manage their rage. Because of this, they may physically lash out at their partner. Studies have found that BPD is related to intimate partner aggression, including physical, emotional and sexual aggression.
Overall, those with BPD have intense and unstable relationships. Commonly they view people as all good or all bad, and in a relationship this perspective is used to devalue their partners. They do not want to be abandoned, however, so manipulation and control are used to prevent their partners from leaving.
Men who suffer from BPD may be emotionally volatile. Anger, jealousy and depression are typical of these men. They may be physically aggressive when they believe that a social or emotional distance exists between them and their female partners.
Studies of lesbian abusers found similar dichotomous thinking and feeling patterns. In these relationships, violence was used when they felt their partners were becoming emotionally distant or when physical separation was threatened. Furthermore, women with borderline personality disorder may be at a greater risk of using interpersonal physical aggression than those without the disorder.
Counselling is vital, and couples may wish to seek their own therapists who practice dialectical behavior and other forms of therapy. Seeing therapists separately is important so that each individual can work on their own issues before working on the relationship. Skilled therapists who specialize in working with BPD individuals will be better able to offer help.
Treatment for borderline personality disorder may include hospitalization, medication, substance abuse treatment and psychotherapy. Support groups for the loved ones of individuals with BPD may also be helpful. Like others, individuals suffering with BPD seek acceptance, forgiveness and reconciliation. Because of childhood trauma histories experienced by many with the disorder, it is important for the patient to be able to collaborate emotionally and therapeutically so they may tell their story.
BPD relationships are often chaotic, intense, and conflict-laden. This can be especially true for romantic BPD relationships. Many people have been hurt in their romantic relationships with borderline personality partners, but others have found a way to make the relationships work.
If you are considering starting a relationship with someone with BPD, or are in one now, you need to educate yourself about the disorder and what to expect. If you have been diagnosed with BPD, it can be helpful to think about how your symptoms have affected your romantic relationships.
Romantic BPD Relationships and Symptoms
One of the core features of BPD is the presence of serious interpersonal problems. People with BPD tend to have intense, unstable relationships, characterized by frequent wavering between strong clinginess/dependency and sudden withdrawal. In addition, many of the symptoms of BPD (e.g., suicidal gestures, impulsive behavior) are extremely frustrating and scary for romantic partners, and can introduce more stress into the relationship.
To learn more about the variety of ways that BPD can affect all kinds of relationships, see this article titled Borderline Relationships: Understand the Impact of BPD Symptoms.
Research on Romantic BPD Relationships
Research has confirmed that people with BPD tend to have very stormy romantic relationships characterized by a great deal of tumult and dysfunction.
For example, one study demonstrated that women with BPD symptoms reported greater chronic relationship stress and more frequent conflicts. In addition, the more severe of persons BPD symptoms are, the less satisfaction their partners report.
Research has also shown that BPD symptoms are associated with a greater number of romantic relationships over time, and a higher incidence of unplanned pregnancies in women. Individuals with BPD also tend to have more former partners and tend to terminate more relationships in their social networks than patients without personality disorders this suggests that romantic relationships with people with BPD are more likely to end in a break up.
It is important to note, however, that these types of problems are not exclusive to BPD. People with many different types of personality disorder symptoms report problems in their romantic relationships. However, it is clear that people with BPD struggle in their romantic relationships.
Starting a Romantic Relationship with Someone With BPD
Given all the difficulties that exist in BPD relationships, why would anyone start a relationship with someone with BPD? First, it is important to remember that despite these intense and disruptive symptoms, people with BPD are frequently good, kind, and caring individuals. Often they have many positive qualities that can make them great romantic partners some of the time.
In addition, many people who have been in a romantic relationship with someone with BPD talk about how fun, exciting, and passionate a BPD partner can be. Many people are drawn to a BPD partner precisely because people with BPD have intense emotions and strong desire for intimacy.
BPD Relationships and Sex
Impulsive sexuality is one of the symptoms of BPD, and many people with BPD struggle with issues of sexuality. In addition, a large percentage of people with BPD experienced childhood sexual abuse, which can make sex very complicated.
Research has shown that women with BPD have more negative attitudes about sex, are more likely to feel pressured into having sex by their partner, and are more ambivalent about sex, than women without BPD. Unfortunately no research has been done on sexuality in men with BPD.
Can You Make a Romantic BPD Relationship Last?
Most BPD relationships go through a honeymoon period. People with BPD will often report that at the beginning of a new romantic relationship they put their new partner on a pedestal and sometimes feel they have found their perfect match, a soul mate who will rescue them from the emotional pain (a kind of thinking called idealization.)
This honeymoon period can be very exciting for the new partner too. After all, it is really nice to have someone feel so strongly about you, and to feel as if you are needed.
Problems start to arise, however, when reality sets in. When a person with BPD realizes that their new partner is not faultless, that image of the perfect (idealized) soul mate can come crashing down. Because people with BPD struggle with dichotomous thinking, or seeing things only in black and white, they can have trouble recognizing the fact that most people make mistakes even when they mean well. As a result, they may quickly go from idealization to devaluation (or thinking that their partner is a horrible person).
The key to maintaining a relationship with someone with BPD is to find ways to cope with these cycles (and to encourage your BPD partner to get professional help to reduce these cycles). Sometimes partners in a BPD relationships are helped by couples therapy.
BPD and Romantic Relationships: Breaking Up
Many issues arise when a BPD relationship is ending. Because people with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment, a break up can leave them feeling absolutely desperate and devastated. Even if a relationship is unhealthy, a person with BPD can often have trouble letting the relationship go. This will particularly true of long-term partnerships or marriages. For example, see Should I Divorce My BPD Spouse?)
Id like to thank you for getting through todays Final topic of BPD awareness month. Unstable Relationships, id like to say something about todays blog, it was more detailed than I wanted it to be, I felt I spoke too much today but I have to upload it non the less because its all apart of it isn’t it. Id just like to say I apologise if I did go on too much, I just needed to get it all out has best has I could. Id like to thank you for reading todays blog alongside all the others of the entire month. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER AWARENESS MONTH. is now finished guys hope I have helped shed some light on BPD from someone who lives it each and everyday. Thank you for taking the time to read my blogs.