Todays topic is Guilt/Progress iv combined these 2 things because they fall in together quiet well, the essence of todays topic is the fact that us with BPD get a massive sense of emotions of pure guilt when we progress up the ladder in our mental health battles. Reason I say sense of emotions is because its not necessarily an emotion what we feel its more of an intense sense of several emotions at one time so I chose to call it sense of emotions because pinpointing each emotion would be very difficult to do.
So I’ll begin with myself, iv become aware of this in such a sudden moment in time when I was able to see the progress iv made in my own personal battle after a moment of fresh air, I was then suddenly struck with this sense of guilt and the exact words that came with this sense of emotions was ‘You have betrayed us, Your a coward’ these words came into my mind when I was not thinking anything close to these kinds of things, I was actually smiling at the time I took the fresh air in and was able to breath, after I exhaled it was then BANG this came and attacked me and then I was aware of the guilt I was feeling in pure relation to the progress iv made, which left me very disheartened and I felt like a traitor to myself, iv progressed somewhat which in turns means iv left behind in the fire that badness, but its pictured in my mind has a person, like you’ve left them to save yourself, and the guilt you get from that I could say is what I’m feeling.
Â This is a trap within BPD this is why its so important to differentiate between ,You and BPD, Your emotions and BPD emotions, Your thoughts and BPD thoughts etc, because BPD and you are has one in the physical form, but inside we are the enemy for each other, I do not accept anything BPD wise everything attached to it is an enemy of mine, because they are not mine, the thoughts the emotions etc, this is a trap because has soon has you begin to feel anything nice ,BPD is straight their to knock you down and make sure you have nothing but that. Now it may seem bizarre what I’m saying but its actually the insight to how it is for us. I guess the label for us BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER is fitting isn’t it, Now you can see why we are this label because this what I’m saying is the root problem for us, because there is US and there is IT.
Making any progress on the mental health ladder comes with its backlash and its painful, I cannot tell you how bad it feels the only way I can describe it so you guys can get the gist of it instantly, its like your at work you’ve just spent 8 hours doing the job for then your boss to come along and tell you you did it all wrong and your a fucking waste of time etc, and then the next day the same thing happens and you correct your mistake you do everything the boss tells you to do, word for word and yet he still tells you, you have done it wrong, you useless bastard. Its like that no matter what you do it will come and attack you, unless if you fail and don’t bother then everything the boss said would be then true, i.e the BPD ,if I stop trying and stop progressing everything that BPD tells me would then be true. Words if I wrote them could bring a tear to your eyes, words you’d never say not even to your worst enemy trust me.
Is the Guilt justified? Now here you will get a good sense of BPD first hand. Is it justified , id say Yes it is justified how dare I betray myself and try and progress to leave it behind and then get out into freedom to never look back, only cowards do such things and how could I look at myself in the mirror and believe I did the right thing? Now its down to your interpretation to see if, I actually believe that or if that’s the BPD taking over, its down to your own interpretation. What I will say though is its true isn’t it. That what I just did is the great example of how us with BPD are. We say one thing but it means something else. Example – Friend: Are you okay , Me: yes I’m fine. Now if you know anything about mental health issues that key word ‘FINE’ I say I’m fine, what I’m actually saying is, don’t ask me questions just fucking help me please, But them words are practically impossible to be said, so I’m fine works better. to help then later that day to self-destruct.
ill be open and frank right now, iv progressed so bloody much over the last 3 years, everyone around has commented on this progress, and I’m glad iv been able to fight this and able to progress. But I cant tell you how much pain I’m going though because of the guilt I feel, its devastating, the guilt is so intense, I do honestly feel like a coward because iv walked away or was able to fight off certain demons, the guilt is unreal, but I’m continuing to fight because I’m holding onto the hope that one day even for 1 day or 1 hour or 1 minute I can feel what its like to be ‘Normal’. That’s my goal so all the guilt I’m feeling ill take has I progress. But its soul destroying, but it might be worth it in the end.
Many people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) experience intense and chronic shame. Shame, a self-conscious emotion associated with a sense of worthlessness, self-contempt, or self-loathing may in part explain the high rates of self-harm and suicidal behaviour in people with BPD.
What Is Shame?
We use the word all the time, but what exactly is “shame?” Shame is considered one of the self-conscious emotions; it is an emotion that relates to our behaviour or self, often in relation to other people’s opinions. Other self-conscious emotions include embarrassment and guilt.
Although the lines between these emotions have been conceptualized in different ways, one way to think about this is that shame is different than embarrassment or guilt because we experience these two emotions in relation to our behaviour, whereas shame is an emotion that relates directly to our sense of self. To understand this distinction, let’s use the example of an impulsive act that some people with BPD struggle with: shoplifting.
Imagine that, on impulse, you shoplifted something from a store. Even if no one found out about the shoplifting, you may experience guilt, a feeling that you have done something that is wrong. If someone did find out about your behaviour, you might experience embarrassment, the feeling you get when other people find out you have done something that violates social norms.
Shame, on the other hand, is a feeling that you are bad or worthy of contempt.
It is not necessarily about a specific behaviour or event, but is a feeling of being inadequate as a person. You may feel shame after shoplifting, but shame carries with it an additional judgment.
BPD and Shame
Many people with BPD experience pervasive and chronic shame, regardless of their behaviour. In fact, research suggests that shame may distinguish BPD from other disorders. In one study, women with BPD reported more shame-proneness than healthy women or women with social phobia, an anxiety disorder characterized by fear of social situations and being evaluated by others.
Women with BPD and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) do not have greater shame-proneness than women with BPD alone. This suggests that shame-proneness may be related to specifically to BPD rather than to co-occurring trauma-related symptoms
The Relationship Between Shame, Self-Harm, and Suicide
In addition to growing research that shows a connection between BPD and shame, a number of experts have suggested a connection between shame and deliberate self-harm and suicide attempts.
Self-reported shame has been shown to be associated with past suicide threats and current and past suicidal thoughts. Shame may also precede episodes of deliberate self-harm. For example, one study demonstrated that women with BPD who expressed more shame when talking about their self-harm behaviours were more likely to self-harm in the future.
Despite the intense emotional pain generated by feelings of shame in BPD, very few experts have attempted to develop treatments that directly reduce shameful feelings. However, some preliminary studies have shown that the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy skill of “Opposite Action” may help reduce shame about specific events.
Unfortunately, people who feel high levels of shame may also feel motivated to hide their shame for fear that others may judge them to be unacceptable. But, this secrecy may also get in the way of recovery. If your therapist doesn’t know that you are experiencing shame, it will be hard for them to intervene.
Id like to thank you for taking the time to read todays blog – GUILT/PROGRESS. Feel free to leave any comments or feedbacks.