BPD Awareness Month (Intrusive Thoughts) -May 2017-

 

Todays topic is Intrusive Thoughts now this for Borderliner’s is quiet a huge problem and is one of the main things we generally talk about because the thoughts are very much the title of it, Intrusive because they are not necessarily your thoughts at that time or in general. They seem to come out of nowhere specially for me, one minute I’m thinking one thing could be nice or not nice that’s pretty much irrelevant, its the intrusive thoughts that come into my mind at a blinks notice and they are for the most part very demonic or deep, but deep in the total 100% negative ways possible. Example I could be with my daughter and be feeling somewhat okay and then all of a sudden il get an intrusive thought of she’s better off without me, I’m better off dead and just has quick has that thought comes, it either lingers for a while or it will just go away at a blinks notice just like when it came.

That is a real hard thing for people to grasp because the general response is ‘How do you manage like that’ Answer is for me well I don’t think I manage it, I just ride the wave for the most part, ride the wave of emotions and try not to act on the emotions, because like I said they are very demonic and dark, ranging from murderous rage to self harm to suicide, pretty much you name it I’m thinking it or feeling it. This happens so much in just 1 simple day for me to put a number on it, would be like trying to count how many times you blinked in a 24 hour period, unless a machine is watching you taking a record that is pretty much impossible to do. Without machines helping you, unfortunately us humans don’t have machines to help us with our intrusive thoughts.

It makes everyday life a challenge in itself, because I do tell people that during a simple talk with a friend there are so many triggers being set off during that talk, my triggers I’m now able to control them now but my triggers are a pain in the arse because I could be having a nice talk and the person could say something in just a hint of a tone that I don’t like and then boom a trigger is set off, or they could look at me in a way that sets a trigger off, or they could be breathing a way that sets my triggers off (that last one is a joke), but that’s how it generally is for me but I’m able to control them urges that come with triggers being set off, which if you know about triggers you know about the raging emotions that come with triggers, but with intrusive thoughts I’m still at a loss with how to manage or control them because they are so rapid and intense and so sudden its pretty hard to manage something that is so sudden in your face like this.

I often compare intrusive thoughts to blinking and breathing which iv also done in this post too, because trying to manage how many times you blink is like ,WHAT ,just like where do I begin, same for me with intrusive thoughts, where do I begin because when they don’t hit I cant prepare myself for when they do it, because when they do they are so intense I’m actually in that moment of whatever that emotion or thought will be, trying to take myself out of that like an outta body kind of thing is real difficult to do, and iv yet to learn the skills in being able to try to attempt this, some things iv managed to gain some control of and others I’m still at a loss with and this is one of them issues I’m at a loss with.

The worst part of the intrusive thoughts for me personally, is the ones about people you love the most when some of the real disgusting thoughts come into your mind about the people you love the most and thoughts are do not resemble one essence of who you are, are quiet frightening because they are so deep and horrible that its just upsetting to me and leaves me in a fit of more depression when it happens.

Trying to find people to talk to about this is difficult because people generally latch onto the words you say and not the meaning behind the words or what’s really going on, because the wording maybe for the most part very disgusting people generally judge you instantly and then listen to you, but they have already made a judgement so them listening is pretty much like directing a blind person on where to go.

Intrusive thoughts. Is an destructive thing but hopefully we all can learn skills to help manage them or even imagine this, be able to control them we who are in the mental health community we have to hold out hope that we can eventually learn the skills to be able to control this issue, because this is one of the main problems for borderliner’s in my opinion from what iv seen and from myself and from discussions with many people with bpd. This has been a rather different way of doing this post to some others iv written, but each post has its own life, some posts require professional statements along with my perspective and some just require me speaking from the heart and how things are for me and I hope some can relate to these things. I know with Mental illness its difficult for people to be open about because its such an personal thing, but I’m now more than able to speak freely on all issues relating to BPD and all other mental illnesses that I have experience in. I cant do topics on some mental illnesses because iv not personally experienced them so I cant be accurate in what id be saying. But everything relating to BPD I’m very much in the know. I hope this post was helpful to whomever may read it. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.

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