BPD Awareness Month (Demonic Thoughts/Obsessive Thoughts) -May 2017-

 

Todays topic is Demonic Thoughts/Obsessive Thoughts now the Mental Health system name Evil/Demonic/Pure horrific thoughts has Obsessive Thoughts. So like most blogs this one today will be My perspective & Clinical Information to help Balance the stats with my own life. This does cross with BIPOLAR DISORDER too, so some of this clinical information will relate to BIPOLAR DISORDER, but the obsessive thoughts affect BPD & BIPOLAR pretty much the very same has an actual affect, the digestion of the thoughts clearly will have different effects has in BIPOLAR its an instant drop or high like off a cliff, has with BPD we will slowly fall off the cliff, just an example between the 2. But the AFFECT of the thoughts come from the same place so that’s why I’m more than happy to use this research even tho it does relate in wording to BIPOLAR.

Now with myself ‘Demonic Thoughts’ is my own personal preference label/title for these things that ill be talking about, So demonic thoughts are exactly that now I will warn you now ahead of time, what I’m going to say is very very DARK and I just want you to be aware that it will contain utter evilness has it is the Demonic thoughts which I must stress are NOT MY THOUGHTS. But ill explain has I go along, so if you are affected by images in your mind badly then I would suggest you skip down to the clinical part which ill be making clear between the 2. So just a warning there guys I don’t want to trigger anyone off, or any ‘Normal people’ I don’t want you to assume this is my thoughts etc. Because there are 150% NOT.

So demonic thoughts for me are quiet disturbing but at the same time quiet nice it literally depends on what ‘BUBBLE’ I am in now Bubbles I call them are my emotional states I personally have 5 Bubbles which are

BUBBLE #1 – Good, Feeling okay, Positive, Able to communicate, Interact, Able to go out into Public & be seen in Public.

BUBBLE #2 – Feeling Okay, Not in a great mood, able to get through the day, but might be a bit off with people.

BUBBLE #3 – Feeling nothingness, very mixed about everything

BUBBLE #4 – OFF, not in a good place, very dark, demonic, harmful, suicidal thoughts, feeling pains from every aspect of my life, they hit me all at once, over & over again.

BUBBLE #5 – HELL, DARK & DEMONIC.

Now this is from my notebook, I wrote them down back in 2013 to identify my states of minds. they are so accurate its unreal, just to give you some perspective what bubble am I feeling right now has I write this, id say I’m in Bubble #2 – Bubble #1 is NEVER in my states of minds, Bubble #2,3,4 are the most prevalent states bubble 1,5 are rare. Just to give you a quick idea.

Now in relation to the demonic thoughts I said I either find them disturbing or nice, now I find these thoughts nice in bubble state 4,5 but any other I find them disgusting and detest them. Its very hard for me to tell you how I feel in bubble #5 without being there, but I can go off my notes, because when I’m in bubble #5 I write everything down although I have ZERO memory of doing so, So lets begin when I’m in bubble #5 state of mind, the demonic thoughts come to me & they centre around murder, killing, hate, and more murder & killing, the thoughts vary from women I see in the street and think you are a whore you deserve to be murdered to men I see in the street and think you should be exterminated you useless sack of shit, to people who have done me wrong I enjoy the thoughts of wanting to murder them, and strangaling is my preferred method in my mind to people who have done me wrong, To be on top of them and to squeeze the life out of them and look into there eyes has their life is dripping away, that thought is enjoyable to me. Because they deserve it.

(NOW – that Is something I wrote and I date everything too, it was in 2013, you might see a link a lot of hate filled things is in relation to 2013, such an awful year for me, things happened that sent me over the edge) NOW that I what I said I fount typing that right now very disturbing and I do NOT LIKE it at all, and actually has upset me quiet a bit, but that’s the power of the states of minds or bubbles has I call them, because no matter what bubble I’m in, I’m everything that relates to that bubble, that state of mind.

Which shows my Borderline. ALSO id like to make this clear iv gone through the most vigorous mental health screening, and through a lot of misjudgements and everything, everyone knows now with them horrific words that I am in NO DANGER to people, but I am a DANGER to myself, Although id never act on them thoughts and its been proven through work you’d have no idea unless you’ve been there. But that is the problem people latch onto the words you use and don’t take the time to try and work out why you think that or what’s driving you to say that, which thankfully now in MBT I’m now getting that treatment, and I can honestly say I detest my own states, bubble 4 and 5 I really hate, if I wrote now all my notes of the things I say about myself when I’m in that state, you’d be a mess yourself I truly mean that, what I told you about the people and the killing stuff which I detest, that is perhaps 0.1% compared to what iv written about myself, that what I wrote is a walk in the park compared. I don’t want to write much more than what I have, this is going to be shorter than I had planned. But I really do not want to think them thoughts NOR do I want to go there.

iv given you a taste of what them thoughts are and yes they are disgusting, but there not MINE, this is what I mean when I say there’s ME vs BPD, My thoughts VS BPD thoughts, My emotions VS BPD emotions. this is a prime example. Now ill be very honest now, I am afraid a little that although iv given a lot of warning and information, I am still afraid people will ignore that and just focus on the horrible words. I hope this is not the case, but with AWARENESS its not all rainbows and sunshine you know, most of the time its things like this. I hope iv given you a good perspective on things and I hope no one sticks to the words iv used. Because that’s unfair. Also just a quickie iv not been in Bubble state 4 and 5 in around 2 and half years, I am making progress I know this. But speaking on it today, just brings so many fears back. Now I’m going to give you some clinical information below now.

CLINICAL INFORMATION

Obsessive Thoughts

But, of course, music isn’t the only thing that one’s brain can be obsessed with. In fact, I find that if music isn’t playing in my head like a broken record (ask your parents) there are thoughts obsessively circling that I can’t get rid of.

For example, if I have a particularly nasty encounter with someone I really care about, after, their words will echo and echo and echo on in my brain until I can’t hear my own thoughts at all, only their words. Once, someone called me petulant and that one word rattled around in my head for weeks. It’s not that I particularly believed the person or agreed, but that one encounter had a profound effect on my ability to think for ages thereafter.

You’re Just Sensitive

Part of this feels like sensitivity. Like that I’m overly sensitive to other people reactions to me. Once I was called an out-of-control empath. But it’s really not that. It’s really obsession. It’s not that I can’t let it go; it’s that my brain can’t. It’s that the thought creates a groove in my brain that I can’t dig it out of. It’s that my brain artificially hangs onto the experience long after my mind has processed it.

And this obsession is a complete overreaction to the situation, I know, but I can’t control it. It’s an obsession, not merely a simple thought. And yes, hypomania sure make obsessions a lot worse. It’s like turning up the obsession. It’s like the obsession is yelling at you.

Bipolar and Obsessive Thoughts Can Drive You Mad

Well, to be fair, bipolar can drive you mad all on its own, but. I find obsessive thoughts unbelievably difficult to escape. I have to consciously switch my thoughts onto something else. But that doesn’t really work because as soon as I’m not paying attention, the obsession comes back. In order to avoid the obsessive thoughts I have to remain ultra-vigilant and control every synapse my brain fires. And quite frankly that just isn’t reasonable. One simply can’t live that way.

Combatting Obsessive Thoughts

The only thing I’ve ever found to be successful at combatting obsessive thoughts is quiet time. I think quiet time, resting time, works because there are no external stimuli to derail my thoughts and allow the obsessive thoughts back in. During quiet time I’m in complete control. I’ve designed a psychological routine for myself that I can swim in. In rare occasions the obsessions even break through that, but, in general, it does work. (Of course one cannot live in a vacuum. Occasionally one must get things done outside of lying on a couch with ones eyes closed.)

id like to thank taking the time to read todays blog on DEMONIC THOUGHTS.

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