My Secret Battle With Schizophrenia

Todays Blog is about my Personal Battle with Schizophrenia which I kept secret from everyone other than 1 person in my life who went through it all with me has best has they could. Id like to state right from the start that I’ve never been Diagnosed with Schizophrenia But my blog is worth a read, Although I wasn’t diagnosed with it, I was for a short time treated has if I was, I was days away from being diagnosed with it until they discovered I was Borderline. Which is an amazing story in itself. Because ill get into this deeper within the blog, but if BPD goes untreated it develops into Schizophrenia, I wasn’t diagnosed with BPD until 2013. So late in my life, I was on the verge of being full blown Schizophrenic which you’ll learn throughout this blog today.

Sections ill be discussing today below..

  • Abigail – A evil presence (JIN) or in simpler words a Demon
  • Voices –  Not so much a talking Voice, Rather than a silent voice talking to me
  • Faces – Seeing faces in everything
  • Murderous Thoughts – with serious intent in my mind
  • Paranoia –  Family, Partner plotting to kill me
  • Being close to not being Saved –  (NOT RELIGIOUS) Saved by Doctors
  • Being Schizoaffective –  (which is different to Schizophrenia)
  • Being told I was Schizophrenic –  or that I was showing the signs of it deeply
  • Learning that if Untreated BPD will Develop into Schizophrenia

So before I begin I just want to say my experiences with Schizophrenia I term has very small & not has impactful has others who have had this illness, I in no way think I ever got to the extremes that I know many others have. I may be harsh on myself here that’s down to your perspective after reading my blog today. But I want to make sure in NO WAY am I trying to say I’ve been in the worst places regarding this illness. Its just my own personal experiences of this evil illness.

ABIGAIL (JIN)

So this is getting straight down to it with this being the opening topic. ABIGAIL. ill start with the meaning of this Presence & spiritual being that haunted me for several years. ABIGAIL who I term has a JIN, a JIN is a Demon. NOT a evil spirit but a DEMON, Who latched onto me for a few years, I remember clearly the day she arrived, yes I term ABIGAIL has a She because that’s the presence I got from IT, Also it attacked mentally all Females in my life, So when she arrived I remember thinking things that id never thought before & thoughts that are NOT MINE, Evil thoughts. It was quiet devastating at first because I couldn’t tell when it was her & when it was me, it took me around 9 months to learn when she was taking over in my thoughts and words, the thoughts was simply this, my partner who I love, I knew she was plotting to kill me, she was going to do this, not to believe her, question her and be very nasty to her, to make sure she couldn’t inflict the plans of destruction she had planned, ABIGAIL told me things that she was going to do to me, attempt to kill me when the time was right, ABIGAIL would tell me she’d protect me from anything, that if anyone tried to hurt me they would feel the force of the Demonic Power she has. It wasn’t just my partner is crossed over to every female in my life, ranging from Mother,sister,grandmother,Daughter, etc. It was not a nice thing to have to deal with, that’s just the thoughts. The name ABIGAIL came to me one night, when I openly asked out loud what’s your fucking name you Bitch, I got a presence of the name ABIGAIL. I didn’t hear voices, I got a feeling a presence of that name, a name that in my daily life well lets put it this way I’m 28 soon, I’ve never met not 1 single ABIGAIL in my entire life. So its not a name that’s around in my life, now you may of noticed I used all Caps when I type her name, that’s the rule that I still stick to. She’s not to be taken lightly & if I was to use her name in a lower caps fashion it would to me, lesser the power of this name/thing. Now the Demon side of it, now many months ago you will know I did a blog on LUCIFER. who I have great admiration for, has far has the understanding goes of him, I spoke in great detail there the difference between Lucifer & his Demons. His Demons are pure Evil has in my perspective Lucifer isn’t evil at all. but that’s side tracking things, ABIGAIL is a Demon, I’m unsure to what type of demon she is, I am aware all JINS & Angels are male so don’t think I’m not aware of that. But ABIGAIL is a demon I’ve researched a lot into trying to find what type of demon she is & also trying to find her specifically but its come to nothing. To me it makes a huge difference to know what type of demonic force she is, ABIGAIL has some for some reason totally left my life, in 2013 I lost everything, my partner got taken from me, we lost our children through death, I lost my sanity for a brief while, that’s when all I had was ABIGAIL, She was there for me in ways I still cannot describe, she was there before the destruction she was there during, she was there after, but it was never a nice feeling, even tho she was there its like having an abusive person living with you, when your around them you feel scared, but there, there non the less, doesn’t mean you like it. Its been around 2 Years now since ABIGAIL left my life, I never think of her or any presence nothing, it is like it never happened but unfortunately it did. That is ABIGAIL guys, I only hope that this will make some understand & maybe some skeptics maybe they might see some light into this part of todays blog.

VOICES (Silent Voices)

So Voices now I’ve experienced actual voices talking to me, but what I have had is what I term has silent voices, my own voice back at me arguing with myself, over whatever it maybe at the time, example if I don’t like someone, ME – Oh fuck you, Silent Voices, kill him, kill him, kill the fucker. Think about it, lets do it, lets do it. That’s why I say arguments because id be arguing silently to myself with myself, not voices talking to me but my own voice, like me living in me. This may sound Crazy but remember this blog is about Schizophrenia. The voices would come when ever they see fit, about anything & everything, it was difficult at times to distinguish between ME & the other me, in Facebook rants or strange things id post or strange pictures id post. It was a hard time for people to know who they was talking to, because quiet a few people would tell me you seem like a different person, I’m talking to are you Okay???, id get that a lot to where id answer the typical you know what’s coming, id say yeah I’m F I N E. That 1 key word that if anyone struggling with mental illness if they say that 1 word that is a Loud bang to say NO you need some help or a friend or someone to talk to. In my opinion anyway. If you think all this can be tiring then yes your right its too much to handle which is why a lot of people turn to drugs or alcohol or dangerous acts. Me personally id just plan my death, id take a lot of enjoyment out of that, I mean ALOT of ENJOYMENT. Voices are what they are, they are different for everyone, my experiences may seem like nothing vs someone who’s been through it all. I will say I perhaps tasted perhaps not even 5% I don’t know. Maybe I’m harsh, maybe I’m right? who knows, all I know is this is my story.

FACES (Faces in everything)

Just something I’ve done this in a darker yellow so it’s easy to read. All my blogs are coloured coordinated.

So faces, faces in everything isn’t an understatement this was perhaps the most uncomfortable part of this illness, has if any of it is comfortable. But this was something unique in itself because the seeing the faces in walls, TV when off other than my reflection, household items etc, the only 1 place I didn’t experience any issues was shockingly mirrors, but that’s partly due to the fact I made sure I never ever looked in mirrors. Not only the superstition around mirrors about being a portal to the after life, or another world. Ignore them things the fact I knew if I was to look in a mirror and see another face it would send me crazy, mirrors has always been a fear thing for me, so if that was to happen id lose my shit, even when I was ill with this illness I was still shit scared of this thing. Now you may be thinking what face did I used to see, I cant really answer that all I can say is the faces was white and very old fashioned in the sense they looked like faces from a different time such has 1800’s just has an example. Its not the Movies, forget the Movies its far more terrifying than anything Hollywood could vision, It happens at will so there is no way of controlling it, so your always on your guard. I never experienced what you see in the Movies like peoples faces changing and all that quiet frankly all that bullshit. if I could show you what I seen then you’d get it instantly that it was scary & real more to the point. A lot of pro’s in the Mental Health system like to say that the things you seen was not real but clearly I take a different stance. What I experienced was real, weather you believe its real or not only you can know if it was to happen to yourself. I must say the faces never attempted to in danger me in anyway, although they scared the shit out of me, I was never in any danger or felt in danger, even tho I was scared, but I wasn’t scared for my life.

MURDEROUS THOUGHTS

Now I’ve done an entire Blog on Murderous Thoughts so ill keep this section brief because I spoke at length about this before, feel free to check that blog out. The Murderous thoughts are not very similar regarding my Schizophrenia & my BPD. Has if you know the roots of BPD & Schizophrenia its clear to know why the murderous thoughts are alike for both illnesses. But what I will say about this is that they are just thoughts but thoughts with the feeling of intent, like I spoke earlier about ABIGAIL, the thoughts are like do it, do it , DO IT……. The thoughts are deep & demonic & come with such strength in the sense of it feels so right at the time, it feels right to have them thoughts & to also do whatever the thoughts are, I will NOT go into graphic detail of what the thoughts would be, because it will be distressing for anyone to read, just picture a typical SAW film & your somewhere close to my thoughts. I did just say MY THOUGHTS, that was a key thing right there, because they felt like my thoughts although they are not, they felt apart of me of who I am etc. But I asure you that them thoughts are NOT. If you know me, you’ll know this to be true. But feel free to checkout my blog on this topic alone.

PARANOIA (plots to kill me)

So this Paranoia was something that was difficult to cope with, it would be in effect 24/7 with no time off. It was most prevalent towards my partner & the Mental Health system, But firstly my partner I had paranoid delusions that she was plotting to kill me and times where id be questioning her to try and catch her out, catch her out of something going off in my own head, NOT what was going off in the so called Real World. It was difficult for her but she understood very well, but it never would let off id always question everything, when id get a answer id be thinking of something else. Example: Q- Is the sky Blue? – A- Yes it is, My paranoia would then be like ‘So what do you mean its blue, what are you trying to say? you plotting something aren’t you?’ That’s how a typical conversation would go down with me, it was very trying. Now with the MH system, this was the angry side of me, I used to say ‘if I could Hang every Psycharitasit to a lamppost I would’ I did not trust them at all, I hated them & everything they stood for, I was convinced they was trying to hurt me, trying to lock me away for nothing, forcing pills on me when I didn’t want them, Making me think things I didn’t want to, I did not trust them at all, and I used to be quiet vile with them with my words, not just them but therapists too, and anyone working for the MH system. I was very Paranoid of them which lead to a lot of troubles, with my words being used against me & twisted to fit agenda’s. Only now several years of being somewhat healthy now all my words are looked back on, and I’m now given the speech of ‘we Now understand what you was saying’ Which was like a Oh thank you moment. I was paranoid of everyone, doctors, nurses, mh docs etc it was something I remember in bits like when triggers are set off I get a bulk of memories that have literally come out of the blue. Has this is written I’m getting flashbacks, has a case in point.

Close to not being Saved (NOT RELIGIOUS)

This is topic close to my heart, because its directly what the title says I was so close to noting saved in time. Meaning by this is, it got to the point where I was almost going to sent to a Mental Hospital but they wanted to do a few more tests before signing them papers, Hours after the tests a doctor came to talk to me, to where he told me, its very lucky we learned this then he proceeded to tell me that the tests show that I’m not Schizophrenic & I’ve been treated for this while I don’t have it, what I have is serious developed seeds lets say of this illness because its been left untreated the REAL illness, thus if that is left untreated it develops into Schizophrenia, Which then he told me I’ve got Borderline Personality Disorder. Which I had never heard of until that moment, I asked him why have I been like schizophrenic? if I’m not ? he told me why, because they discovered I may of had BPD has early has 5/6 years of age, and I’ve not known this, I did tell him I’ve always been told I’ve got an Eating Disorder, to which he said yes eating disorders are very common in BPD. Because I had gone over 2 decades without treatment for this, it was developing into the illness that it far too late to prevent because its full developed which is Schizophrenia, Now don’t get it wrong schizophrenia can be treated but you have to experience the bastard for several years. my point is that by time they learn this its too late because its already there, unpreventable because its there already. When I was told about BPD I was mixed I was happy and not happy. happy I had finally learned what was wrong with me, but unhappy that I was in a label. which is obvious I know, but it still doesn’t help when you get the labels. The biggest thing I want to raise awareness with in this part is that if left untreated BPD can and will develop into Schizophrenia if untreated. So if you know anyone who may have this try & help them. BPD is the root for other illnesses to grow. Not all illnesses but a few key ones.

Being Schizoaffective

Now Schizoaffective is NOTHING like Schizophrenia ill make that clear from the start, I’ve been Schizoaffective since around 15 years of age & I think I still am to be honest, I’ve done a blog on this before feel free to check it out. But what ill say here is that there is a world of difference between – S’affective & S’phrenia the difference is quiet wide & obvious but to the untrained eye, S’affective is basically all the basic seeds of S’phrenia without it progressing any further, its like our basic instincts its like that, S’Affective has the basics but doesn’t go any further but it still is quiet destructive, I may of minimized it here but I’ve done a full blog on it. Its not nice at all & it isn’t something you want either.

Being told I was Schizophrenic (Had signs)

I was told I was showing signs of Schizophrenia but they wasn’t sure if I was or not because with all diagnosis there complexed, but for a long time they thought I was also they thought I was Bi-Polar, BPD was the last thing & is the right thing. But during this time where they thought I was Schizophrenic I was given meds small meds to see if things would change, which they didn’t which lead them to think that maybe there was something else going on, because I would show signs of different people, you may be thinking well yes schizophrenia you are like that, to yes you are but so is BPD, you see how difficult it can be to determine who’s what. But the signs was wearing off with this diagnosis, so then they began to look in other area’s. But during this diagnosis, I kept it pure secret, not one of my family knew about it, no one close to me knew about it. just me and the doctors. You have to take in mind how ill I was to be given this diagnosis to begin with, this diagnosis doesn’t come lightly at all.  The small time I dealt with this illness was well. I still have nightmares about that time, I remember bits and bobs very disjointed too.

Learning that if untreated BPD, develops into Schizophrenia

This is perhaps the most enjoyable part of this blog, learning this for me put so many puzzle pieces into place, My eating disorder issues, my schizophrenic issues, my personality issues to which I was aware of somewhat, this made my day if I can use that phrase. To learn this put everything into shape, it finally all made sense, its like a Tree, BPD is the root, you water the seed, it grows, grows, and grows, to now you have several branches on the tree, all having there own value, to which each illness became a branch on the tree, developing itself into something rather large & destructive to the tree in general. Because the branches are overgrown your focus is on the branches to chop them down to size, each one at a time. Now because your focus is on the branches (The SYMPTOMS) its leaving the root to grow and grow to where it becomes to big to chop, if you chop it now you’ll severe the tree completely making the tree die. So its like that, well that’s how I term it. So learning this was one the moments in my life where I sit there smiling & saying yep it all makes sense finally. (Very peaceful Moment).

Id like to thank you all for taking the time to read todays Blog, Which is very personal to me. I hope I have shed some light on this terrible illness from my limited experience of it. Please once again id like to stress to anyone who has suffered this illness to the max that my experiences are mine and in no way do I want to compare mine to yours. Because I know what I tasted this and not lived it, for a long period of time. Once again id like to thank you for reading todays blog. Feel free to leave any comments of feedbacks. all comments & feedbacks are welcome. Thanks Guys.

 

 

 

 

 

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