Todays topic is rather a toxic topic within all aspects of life, mental health & wealthy people & everyone else, this problem will attach to anyone no matter what your life style is like, weather your a strong person or a weak person, this attachment will destroy anyone without any favour. So this topic today Drug abuse in relation to BPD will be a difficult topic for me to speak on, for reasons has you’ll read in this blog, This perhaps will be the hardest topic of discussion iv chosen to speak on, for many reasons such has many demons iv kept secret to where people close to me will learn these things for the very 1st time if they where to read this blog today.
I will begin with the start has best has I can remember, drugs for me started with prescription medication, starting with Antidepressants which I first took at age 17 that was the most turbulent age for me in my entire life where everything kicked into gear all my mental health struggles all came at once in that year. I was aware of these changes to myself and after a while through age 15/16 struggling to adjust to these new things in my mental state, it was after a few years that I actually went to see my GP to seek help because I could not handle it anymore & at that time it was stressed in social life that meds will help you cope with the issues, I believed it 110%, BEFORE I began meds I was 110% into believing them, id learn later in life after serious damage it was not what they made it out to be, BUT they did help but they did damage too.
So it began with Anti-deps which all I can say fir the 1st time experiencing them, they made me want to EAT,EAT,EAT which I remember the feeling instantly, within days my mind stopped thinking about death and it was replaced with eat,eat,eat thinking, and I was never full, I just wanted to eat, so it boosted my mood and stopped the negative thoughts for a while, lets say 3 months, but that would not last the nice feeling, after they ware off which anti-deps do rapidly, you suddenly fall into the pit. Which then leaves you 10x worse than before you started meds, I started meds at 17 and finished meds at age 25. The damage these meds have done ill get into later on. I cannot remember all the meds iv been on, I actually cannot remember a single one, unless you say names then ill remember but this is a block in my mind, iv been on soo many its just unreal, iv also had antipsychotics too, mood disorder pills, anxiety pills, and Valium, iv been on several meds and most of the time id be on several at one time, so id be taking like 4/5 pills a day and some pills 2/3 times a day, I do remember one time in my life I was taking between 12-18 pills a day everyday, that lasted for several months, these are MEDS, and the side affects are just unbearable.
Now after taking meds for several years non stop day in and day out for 7 years, you can imagine what damage it can do to you inside, iv learned through many health issues, because I used to vomit upto 50x a day, I was like that for 5 years, it got to a point when I went into hospital because I was extremely ill, the doctors told me I have a hole in my liver, because of the acid and the vomiting and also all that’s in your body is drugs, the meds, because I didn’t eat and when I did ,id binge and purge, so all that was in my system was meds and with most of these meds you have to eat with them, which I never did. The docs told me its directly because of the meds and the vomiting that caused this problem, which I can tell you is extremely painful, they did tell me the hole would fill itself in if I was able to eat and keep it down and also stop all meds for a time until my body was in a balanced state, which I had no choice but to do, which was up till then my greatest battle, this was in 2009 months after my 1st child’s birth.
Iv been on antipsychotics but I have zero memory of being on them or why I needed them or anything in relation to this, I only know in great detail that I was on them because of my notes from hospitals, clinics etc, But the main damage the meds have done to my body is they have thinned my blood, to the point even to this day I’m in dangerous levels regarding my blood, In 2013 I was diagnosed with Pancreatitis and I was in severe danger of it killing me if I’m honest, I was in hospital 3 months with this, I had all the tests and they at one point wanted to operate on me (KEYHOLE SURGERY) but I was extremely difficult in getting blood out of me, where nurses could not get a drop and they had to several times call on senior doctors to come and try and get blood, my blood was and is so thin its very difficult to get any out of, which showed them how bad my blood is, not only with all the tests they told me, if we operate we can fix the pancritias problem we think, but my blood thinness is the problem, they told me directly ‘ If we cut you, you will bleed out and we will not be able to stop it, Therfore we cannot do the surgery’ I begged them to do it regardless and I had the consent forms too but RED TAPE, because my blood disorder basically overrides my own rights because by the red tape rules, it would be used against them if I did die, like if my family sued the hospital and the doctors, my family would win the case and the hospital and docs would face criminal convictions, yes this does happen. This was the facts has it was presented to me, even tho I had the papers ,with my own signature stating they was protected if I died it was not going to happen, they then said to me, ‘what we will do is, we will give you all the pain relief you need and we will keep you in for another month to keep an eye on your levels etc’ There was a slim chance it could clear up with a heavy amount of morphine and meds to help me, Now they did say it will never clear up entirely without surgery but it can dissipate to where your okay in daily life, Now today I have no issues at all with it, but after my 3 months stay and after id say 12/14 months after leaving hospital I was still in pain, but it took around 1 year and half to dissipate, and now I’m okay with it, but all that, all that is down to my blood being thin and the docs from my medical history told me the sad news that the reason my blood is so thin, is because the amount of meds iv been on, the meds destroyed my blood levels, my blood before meds was at normal levels, after it was very low. which caused me more distress has you have just read.
Now all the medical stuff out the way now ill get into the harsh stuff relating to drug abuse, Now after the loss of my children in 2013, I then dipped into all kinds of hell which is what it is, but I began to become very addicted to painkillers and my meds and Valium and I was drinking vodka with them too, I was taking around 50 pills a day including them things above but I was drinking vodka with them and drinking daily, I was hooked on painkillers so badly it was unreal I would eat them like eating skittles and Valium I totally loved that it was amazing, Now I was like this for around 15 months being hooked on these meds and pills, after several years taking meds and pills anyway everyday, to then get hooked on painkillers isn’t that far fetched really, but I did this all in secret, Not a living soul knew about this I hide it very well, a little too well, iv never taken hardcore drugs I have desire too, other than when I’m in the pit I want coke but iv never attempted to try it, but I know I would try it if it was in front of me, other hardcore drugs not a chance, – Now getting off these pills was unreal, getting off the Valium I chose to attempt first and it was horrific it took me only 1 week to get off that drug tho, yes 1 week but the hell I went though, the shakes, the vomiting, the illness everything it was horrific, the reason I chose Valium first was because my body was rejecting it when I took it for a long time, so getting off that was the easiest for me personally, Now the painkillers took a very very long time to get off them, I did the old fashioned cold turkey thing it worked but I would not recommend it to anyone, do it your GP’s help, do not do it cold turkey. Stopping the painkillers lead my body into all kinds of hell, the stomach issues which are unreal, and bleeding from areas, the feeling like your body is shutting down, all kinds of hell, I cannot actually find the words to describe it, its just if you’ve been through it you know. It was very difficult to get off these drugs, I did it all alone with no one knowing it, I never took anything when I was around people and my child I never took anything when she was with me, which was extreme. But I was a mess in 2013/2014 just a mess.
Now Pancreatitis is associated with alcoholism, now up until I got this iv never had an issue with drink and never have, yes I was drinking vodka with my pills but I was nowhere near in any form of problems with it, the drugs yes not the drink, its not a denial thing its just the truth, drinking was a social thing, the drugs was a need thing. Also all my tests & previous history showed no alcoholism issues. I just wanted to make that clear that my pancreatitis was NOT alcohol related, I actually got this because I got a Blood Disorder Infection the doctors told me, hence why they had such trouble with my blood & also it traces back to my meds & all that iv said in this blog, it all goes back to the meds, the drugs.
Now days I’m clean I don’t take any meds or anything, iv been clean for over 2 years now, no meds and that’s partly because my GP will not give me meds because my medical history has shown meds do not help me, they make me worse and also iv done many bad things with my meds like taking the full batches in suicide attempts and then you have to go see GP to ask for an emergency batch and they do tests and the tests show extreme amount of whatever your on, so then they monitor you etc, so my GP is reluctant to give me anything unless I’m monitored because my history is very negative. But I don’t need meds no more, nor do I want them mid altering drugs!
Its useful to bare in mind that although MEDS are good for treating symptoms of whatever difficulties your having, you should remember that they only treat the symptoms NOT the root causes, so remember that guys they are only helpful on a short term basis, and you should take meds with along standing treatment, either Therapy such has – CBT,DBT,MBT, Interpersonal Therapies, Education based treatments – something Long standing to go along with your medication. If you just rely on Meds alone then ill be honest like I always am, it will lead you down a dead end road in my personal opinion, I would say to anyone the above Take meds of course but also get something set up in the long run so you can eventually weed out the meds totally out your life or your coping mech, and then only need the longer treatment process, meds in my opinion are great for a short term boost maybe 3-6 months but for a longer period of time they are not fit for purpose. In my opinion guys, iv been on meds iv hit lows of all lows and now I’m somewhat okay. I laugh at that word okay, but we all have our okay meaning, Remember guys to take care of yourselves if your on meds because they can be harmful, just try to keep a grip of it & yourself has best has you can, And never be ashamed to tell the docs or your support network that maybe you need more meds or different meds or higher dose, or even you need to get off them, don’t be ashamed to ask for help like that, because sometimes we feel we have asked for help we got help, in meds and now we are taking the cake by saying we need more help the help you gave me isn’t working, sometimes we can feel like its shameful to ask for more help, but remember guys suffering alone in silence is the worst thing you could ever do. If the meds or help they have given you is having a bad affect on you, speak up don’t let things get out of control to the point your back down that ladder so far its an impossibility to get back to where you once was.
There will be no clinical information in this blog, this is better coming from 1st hand experience in my opinion. Id like to thank anyone who managed to get through my blog today it was very lengthy. Please feel free to leave any feedback or comments.