So todays topic is Unplanned Children in relation to people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Now this may seem like a rather out the box type of topic that iv chosen to cover, but this does highlight some rather significant issues for people with BPD, if you have a child totally unplanned it rocks your world like any so normal persons life, but for borderliners the shock then suddenly turns to fear, and not just your normal fears like ‘Omg how am I going to do this, omg what do I do, omg in general. The fears that we have are a little more sinister in my view anyway, from personal experience to anecdotal experience.
Now this topic will mix with a topic that’s coming up titled ‘Unstable Relationships’ Now some things will be used in both topics because these 2 things do mesh together in most of life, but iv chosen to do 2 separate topics because they both alone have there own traits & problematic issues.
So il begin with myself at the time I learned I was going to be having a child I didn’t know I had BPD, also I had never heard of it nor had any idea what it was, yes I was told I may have personality disorder but I only knew of that, I never knew about BPD, and there is a massive difference between Borderline Personality Disoder & Personality Disorder. So I just assumed at that time is had PD, Turned out iv actually got BPD. Yes confusing I know, Now when I knew I was going to be a father it came to me instantly that omg my child will get this, because its in their blood, my first reaction was not a pleasant one and I will not share what that was for my own reasons. But my thought process was, if iv got this and had this for over 20 years and its in my blood, then no doubt my child will have it, my main worry at that time was my eating disorder which was fallen down the ages, my granddad had eating issues, my dad had eating issues and Me. So I was scared shitless if I’m honest that my child would get that, just like us 3 before, my 2nd worry was the PD issues I thought I had, Now BPD, that was my 2nd worry because at that time all I knew was my eating disorder was the KING of my problems turned out it was just a branch on the tree, nowhere near the root of the problem. But I didn’t know that at the time so my worry was entirely eating and it lead me down some real harsh roads, I remember saying to my partner at the time who is my child’s mother, if our child has any eating issues il never forgive myself and its all my fault etc, them kind of thought patterns, turned out our child loved and LOVES food and has eaten more food in their 1st 6 months of eating solids than iv ever eaten in my life, so that turned out very well. But the fears was so intense it made my mental health go all fucked up if I’m honest, I was not a great person back then either so it made my issues that more volatile.
I had never planned to have any children in my life, ever the thought never came into my mind not once the only time it did come into my brain was after sex when you have them little moments where your saying to yourself hope she don’t get pregnant, weather your safe or not nothings 100%. That’s the only time it ever got into my brain and then its a 3 second thought at best, so really meaningless. I have reasons why I never thought id have children and I’m actually unsure if this is the right topic to discuss that on, so ill just say I have had in my brain a number of living that id exceed, in other words since small ages I had a age number where id knew id be dead by, iv surpassed that date now anyway. But that’s the MAIN reason why I never wanted children nor ever thought about it. Because the number I had in my brain is a young age so its just like something I never thought about. Never less ill just say this having my child was the best thing to happen to me, it changed so many aspects of my life for the better in ways I can only describe if you have children you just know that feeling I’m talking about. Although I wouldn’t recommend anyone having children until your emotionally stable & secure in all aspects of life. Just in my opinion because children does make like 1 million times harder. But they are awesome too.
Now being mentally ill (a term I detest by the way, I hate these words, but I have to use these type of words in mental health awareness discussions, I just wanted to share that) So being that and having children often sparks more hell because the social services like to keep tabs on you, if you have had a turbulent past and you have a child they like to prod into your life and watch over you like a hawk, now don’t get wrong its a good service that they do to help keep children safe I’m all for that clearly, but the stigma and the judgement you do get is what iv titled ‘Anti-Humans’ people that do them 2 things are anti-humans, because we are struggling already with ourselves that means we will NOT be able to look after our children or even they have the cheek to say we are a danger to our children, because we attempted suicide etc, its stigmas like that that cause so much heartache to us, because we are crying our for help and when we get it we are judge and stigmatised, yet when we don’t ask for help they tell us , you should of spoken to someone, The hypocrisy is amusing, you have laugh or else you’d cry. Its that shameful. Now you maybe thinking what does all that have to do with todays topic, it has everything to do with todays topic because us that struggle with BPD are classed has people who cant handle there emotions, cant cope with changes, struggle to love or be acceptance to love, have parent issues etc, so that person having a child with all them labels sparks a ‘Hold on lets check this person out’ kind of reaction, Not only us with BPD have to cope with our own BPD which is hard enough, then we have to cope with the news that we are having children, then we have to go through the motions of the pregnancy and everything that comes with that, then actually have the child in your home and learn how to be a parent with all your suicidal thoughts etc, and then have to deal with social services checking up on you like your a criminal and then because your ‘Mentally ill’ that means somehow you have less rights to speak up. because remember we are all them labels and they know best remember that. You picture it if your so called ‘Normal’ Picture it , you and your partner have a baby and you’ve got home and your all enjoying the new family member and then you get a knock on the door and I come storming in like I pay the rent and start questioning you, okay mr A and Mrs B , Why isn’t there food in the fridge, why did you buy this, how many nappies have you bought, how many times have you bathed the baby, etc. Looking around the house to make sure its a show house of course, with there notebook taking notes and photographs. Now if you think they don’t do this then your in for a shock or two. Now all this has to do with todays topic because its all for people with BPD how to cope etc, this entire situation can be great on one hand and awful on the other for reasons has you’ve read, it doesn’t help someone to get this type of treatment someone who is already struggling to cope, and what I said about social that goes on more regular than you will ever want to think, trust me.
This may of come across has a rant laced blog but I speak from the heart in all my blogs, I don’t claim to be a professional I just have a voice and I know the ins and outs regarding mental health and BPD specifically. Yes sometimes I may go off in a rant and sometimes I may not. Some blog topics require clinical information and some require personal experience and a lot of them require Both. Its all awareness that’s all I’m trying to do, so apologises if it seemed like I was ranting there. A lot of my blogs are done without any notes because quiet frankly I don’t need notes to talk about my life and life of BPD, some blogs I do take notes for, the ones with majority clinical information I take tons of notes down, because its clinical information and I want to give the right information out, even if I disagree with it, which I do a lot personally but I share it anyway because this is awareness, my personal views and experiences and the stats and information, a win win in my opinion.
Now I was going to share information which relates with unstable relationships but I will choose not to in this blog. Because it might diminish that blog respectfully. But relationships do play a massive part in children and raising children and its more fitting I talk about that in that blog because it will be 95% relationships and 5% children aspect unlike this blog where its 100% children or in this case 90% ranting, 10% children lol.
Id like to thank anyone who got thought this topic today, feel free to leave any comments or feedback.